Posted by Amy | Posted in Mind Games | Posted on 02-07-2011
I tore out of my house this morning to go for a walk. I slept really bad, didn’t wake up till late. Some of you are going to immediately pat me on the pack for being all healthy-like. But the truth is, I went for a walk to buy coffee and cigarettes. Pretty much the opposite of healthy living. And now I’m sitting in this park, looking at the water feeling like I should be writing a blues song.
I’ve been watching (and helping) other people in my life work towards their dreams, and I’m not doing anything for myself. I’m watching my life slip by me while I get all mopey and do nothing to achieve what I want. I’m in this class on leadership and personal development and I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing for myself. Like I’m in the mud spinning my wheels. I can’t even get my diet on track and get out of the house to run. If I can’t even do that, of course I’m not writing or working on my long terms goals.
In this class, we just had this Big Conversation about failure, that there is no such thing as failure, there is only a lack of performance. Well, I have it that I’m failing right now which makes me not want to perform at all. I’m always going to be a failure so why even bother preforming. My brain, the crazy Fat Girl side of my brain is knows with every ounce of her imaginary being that she’s never going to have the life she wants, things are never going to be easy, she will always struggle just to get by. And I’m exhausted by that. I’m exhausted by the struggle, good portions of which are imaginary.
There’s a lot of catch phrases in this course that distill down big ideas. One of those catch phrases is “context is decisive”. Context is like the glasses you put on to view the world and its thru that context that everything gets colored and informs your choices and your outlook. My context right now is that I’m never going to be successful and I’m never going to have what I want, or something along those lines. It is a context of failure. I keep watching other people be successful, celebrate wins, go for what they want and I sit back and whine to myself and eat junk food.
So, if there is no such thing as failure, only a lack of performance, how do you shift out of a context of failure? I guess the first thing is to get straight about preformance. Results are based on the quality and quantity of your actions. The quality and quantity of my actions are lacking and thus prodding the results I have in my life. I don’t have a book deal because I’m not writing. I don’t have a full time job because I’m not applying for them. Weight is slowly creeping back on because I’m eating like junk food will disappear tomorrow. You know what, I’m in Tomorrow Mode. “I’ll do that tomorrow”. “I’ll eat responsibly tomorrow.” “I’ll apply for that job tomorrow.”
The results I have right now are based on actions I’m going to take tomorrow.
So what’s stopping me from taking action today?