Impossible is a typoRunning my pants off and loving myself along the way

Park-side Blues

I tore out of my house this morning to go for a walk. I slept really bad, didn’t wake up till late. Some of you are going to immediately pat me on the pack for being all healthy-like. But the truth is, I went for a walk to buy coffee and cigarettes. Pretty much the opposite of healthy living. And now I’m sitting in this park, looking at the water feeling like I should be writing a blues song.
I’ve been watching (and helping) other people in my life work towards their dreams, and I’m not doing anything for myself. I’m watching my life slip by me while I get all mopey and do nothing to achieve what I want. I’m in this class on leadership and personal development and I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing for myself. Like I’m in the mud spinning my wheels. I can’t even get my diet on track and get out of the house to run. If I can’t even do that, of course I’m not writing or working on my long terms goals.
In this class, we just had this Big Conversation about failure, that there is no such thing as failure, there is only a lack of performance. Well, I have it that I’m failing right now which makes me not want to perform at all. I’m always going to be a failure so why even bother preforming. My brain, the crazy Fat Girl side of my brain is knows with every ounce of her imaginary being that she’s never going to have the life she wants, things are never going to be easy, she will always struggle just to get by. And I’m exhausted by that. I’m exhausted by the struggle, good portions of which are imaginary.
There’s a lot of catch phrases in this course that distill down big ideas. One of those catch phrases is “context is decisive”. Context is like the glasses you put on to view the world and its thru that context that everything gets colored and informs your choices and your outlook. My context right now is that I’m never going to be successful and I’m never going to have what I want, or something along those lines. It is a context of failure. I keep watching other people be successful, celebrate wins, go for what they want and I sit back and whine to myself and eat junk food.
So, if there is no such thing as failure, only a lack of performance, how do you shift out of a context of failure? I guess the first thing is to get straight about preformance. Results are based on the quality and quantity of your actions. The quality and quantity of my actions are lacking and thus prodding the results I have in my life. I don’t have a book deal because I’m not writing. I don’t have a full time job because I’m not applying for them. Weight is slowly creeping back on because I’m eating like junk food will disappear tomorrow. You know what, I’m in Tomorrow Mode. “I’ll do that tomorrow”. “I’ll eat responsibly tomorrow.” “I’ll apply for that job tomorrow.”
The results I have right now are based on actions I’m going to take tomorrow.
So what’s stopping me from taking action today?

Majestically, Mother Nature fingers loose from her GrabBag ‘o Fate, the voodoo doll in the shape of Fit Girl. Teasing a stinging nettle from her living crown, Mother Nature whispers “The scales must balance Little One. You owe me one week a month as payment for all the gifts I give you.”

Hoovering the thorn above Fit Girl’s heart – “You can cry and watch sappy romantic comedies in bed.”

Delicately tapping Fit Girl’s head she coos “You can unleash your own special brand of hell on your family and friends and maybe even start smoking again”

Tracing that nettle seductively over Fit Girl’s tummy, she intones “Or you can crave sweets and salts with the insatiable fury of a tornado”.

Fat Girl dons her acolyte toga and begins a ritualistic chant known oh so well — “Cookies. Cookies. Cookies. Cookies. Cookies. Cookies. Cookies. Cookies. Cookies.”

Weepy, Fit Girl nods her acquiescence. Jabbing the nettle right into her tummy, Mother Nature proclaims “Then it is so”.

Lighten bolts rain down upon Fat Girl, and her cackles of maniacal laughter echo throughout the land.

Yeah, I got my period and the pressure of eating well, exercising, quitting smoking, bleeding and generally feeling crappy AND not wanting to take that out on those around me just pushed my inner Fat Girl over the edge and I ate cookies. I gave myself a raging sugar headache and I’m still recovering. Hopefully a run at the gym and some weights will help me sort it out. We’ll see.

My run yesterday was not super great. It was hot. VERY hot and I was not properly hydrated. By Mile 1, my mouth was already pasty and I decided not to push things too hard and walk for a bit. Today’s another day right??

Yesterday I ran 2.76miles in 33:01 at a pace of 11’56” burning 393 calories.

Starting Weight: 193 pounds

Current Weight: 191.8

I live. I run. I am.

ONE brag for the week: I haven’t smoked all week

ONE thing to improve upon for next week: Follow Clean Eating Cooler Plan 1 and get in AM workouts! (ok, that’s 2 things!!!)

Dinner was done. I was at 1400+ calories for the day. My mom proposes Frozen Yogurt. Now, I’ve got a soft spot for Red Mango. It is the best stuff on this earth. Seriously.

The problem? FroYo is like 200 calories. I want to stay below 1500 calories AND burn more than 1000 calories a day. Hmmmm what to do?

Are you ready to rumble!

In this corner, we have Fat Girl, Champion of Manipulation. Five Time Pity Party World Cup Winner.

In that corner, it’s Fit Girl, a new comer to the scene rapidly making a name for herself.

Ding. Ding. Ding.

Fat Girl comes out swinging hard!

I’m quitting smoking, I DESERVE Frozen Yogurt.

Fit Girl ducks and rolls, runs circles around Fat Girl.

You don’t deserve things, you EARN them. Have you earned a FroYo?

Oh, that was harsh, the crowd gasps. Fat Girl felt that one for sure. Fat Girl staggers and recovers, winds up with a classic -

I’ve been good all day, one treat won’t kill me.

Look at the fancy foot work on Fit Girl! That blow doesn’t even come close to landing.

You can have FroYo, IF you burn the calories RIGHT NOW to compensate. Go for a run.

Oooooo That HAD to hurt Bob. Fat Girl is a bit of a mess. Wait a minute, yes, I think the Ref is gonna call it… YES! TKO! Fit Girl Wins!!

And the crowd goes wild.

So yeah, I went out and ran over a mile. I mean I RAN. I pounded out that run. IN THE RAIN. I actually ran in the rain. I have never felt like an athlete before. Right then. I was an athlete. That last half a block, rain stinging my face, in that instant, something small changed. I can’t describe it yet, but beating all the excuses and lies I tell myself and running to earn that FroYo, shifted something. And I suspect I will never be the same.

Oh yeah, and the Red Mango was delicious. Key Lime with Mochi.

And to catch up on runs posted to DailyMile… This is what I ran yesterday. It should be one run but stupid Niki+ decided to END rather than PAUSE when I stopped to tie my shoe.

On 8/23/10 I ran 2.75miles in 32:25 mins at a pace of 11’46” burning 392 calories.

On 8/23/10 I ran 1.11miles in 13:19 mins at a pace of 11’57″” burning 158 calories.

So my latest life meltdown has been about smoking. I’ve been trying to quit smoking for the past month and I’ve gained about 6lbs. Yeah I know, in the grand scheme of things 6lbs is NOTHING. Not only is the Crazy Fat Girl in my head freaking out about it, the Fit Girl in my head is freaking out about it too.

I get it. Not smoking in the long term will be way more beneficial than the possibility of short term weight gain. But man, I’ve been focused on losing weight seriously for over a year and large parts of by brain and being just can’t abide gaining weight on purpose.

There’s a war being waged in my head, Fat Girl and Fit Girl going bonkers with me in the middle and it results in lots of eating and crying AND smoking.

The past couple weeks have been torture. See I’ve been waking up in the morning with Fit Girl and her pom-poms out -

You can do it! Just chew gum! Withdrawal will be over in a few days! Just hang on!

And then a few hours later Fat Girl starts in -

Wow, I don’t feel good. I hate feeling this way. This is tough, this is hard, just have a cookie and you’ll feel better.

So, I eat the stupid cookie and then it becomes a war between cookies and cigarettes and I end up having both anyway, and crying and beating myself up for not being able to win at the stupid game of not smoking. This went on for two whole weeks. Everyday was torture, self-inflicted torture.

I finally went crying to a friend. Well, I wasn’t crying yet but I really thought buckets of tears would fall and insanity would ensue during the conversation. I knew he had lost a considerable amount of weight, and was a runner and had quit smoking in the process. The conversation went something like this -

Me: I can’t quit smoking if I gain weight. I just can’t do something that will end up with me getting fat again. It’s too hard. I can’t do it.

J: Well, what are you doing to quit smoking?

Me: puzzled quizzical look: Um, I’m not smoking cigarettes…?

J: No I mean what are you doing to help yourself quit smoking?

Me: even more puzzled: Um, I’m not smoking cigarettes and eating cookies instead.

J: Have you seen your doctor to get help? You know there’s hypnosis, cognitive therapy, acupuncture all specializing in smoking cessation. There’s the patch and gums and medications. You don’t have to suffer through this alone.

Bingo. I’ve been suffering AND I’ve been alone. I’ve been creating a situation where I cannot possibly win on my own and having this hoopla of a pity party around it. It never occurred to me to ask for help. It was just never part of my thought process. Quitting smoking to me means lots of pain, physical pain as well as emotional and psychological pain, suffering and loneliness. I have to do this alone because I get too cranky and emotional and I don’t want to inflict that on anyone so it’s best to just not be with people. And it never occurred to me to be kind to myself about it. I’ve got it in my head that quitting smoking is going to be a terrible process, I’m going to suffer A LOT and I probably won’t win anyway.

My friend went on to say – Just run. When it gets hard, just run. You can’t run and smoke at the same time.

For once in my life I actually listened to someone. Really listened. I saw my doctor (who was not exactly supportive about the weight gain aspect of quitting smoking, but I’ll let that pass) and got a prescription. I’ve been on it for a week as I was supposed to do and I’ve come up with a plan of action.

Step 1: No smoking indoors

Sitting at my computer and smoking is what I do. If I get into puzzle-game-playing mode, I can speed thru a pack of cigarettes like a condemned man. So if I don’t have smokes right by my computer and I actually have to make an effort to go outside, smoking opportunities will be decreased.

Step 2: No smoking indoors + physical activity

So after a few days of having to go outside to smoke, I’m going to try and make myself do something physical instead of smoking. Since I have to go outside anyway to smoke, I might was well take a walk around the block, go for a quick run, ride my bike, right? So after having done something physical, IF I still want to smoke, then I will.

Step 3: No smoking indoors + physical activity + ????

Ok, I’m kind of at a loss for what Step 3 will be. I’m hoping that by this point I’ll have a sense of control over what to do and I can just take the plunge and say “NO MORE”. Let me get thru Step 1 and Step 2 and see how that goes.