Impossible is a typoRunning my pants off and loving myself along the way

Step 1 - Fat Girl's Guide to Feeling Like Crap and Avoiding Exercise

Fat Girl’s Guide to Feeling Like Crap and Avoiding Exercise.

The mission here, Folks, is to avoid exercise at all costs. We’re going to get crafty, subversive, sneaky and down right slippery. Your inner Fit Girl is a tough nut to crack. She LIKES working out – GASPS. I know, it’s hard to believe. I don’t know how anyone could enjoy working out. I mean seriously. You get all sweaty and smelly. You sweat. Ew gross! You get pimples on your nose. AND you have to wear work out clothes AND everyone will be looking at how big you butt is. This is unacceptable. Fit Girl doesn’t care about these things. She actually thinks its COOL when she gets soaked in sweat. Yuckie. So we’re going to have to employ some sneaky techniques to avoid exercise at all costs. And if we do this right and we’re really lucky, we’ll have endless bags of Cheese Doodles.

Step 1 – Fill you’re life with awesome exciting stuff.

This is the most crucial part. You have to get so busy with amazing stuff that you feel like you have no time to brush your teeth let alone take an hour to run or go to the yuckie gym. Keep saying YES to projects. Say YES to helping friends move or working on their websites. Say YES to extra work shifts. YES to everything and anything. You want to get your life scheduled down to the minute. It’s super important that you schedule phone calls first thing in the morning, and last thing at night. It’s ideal if you work with people in different time zones for maximum schedule SNAFUs. Oh and make sure you schedule only 20 minutes between appointments. Any thing more than that and Fit Girl might get in in a run.

Step 2 – Do not go to the grocery store.

Now that your life is full of awesome stuff, of course you won’t have time for the supermarket. For your inner Fit Girl, the supermarket is an adventure what with all the label reading and comparing light bread and whole wheat bread and normal good-ole-fashioned white bread. Seriously? How can you have a PB&J and whole wheat?? It’s like eating cardboard. Once you’re scheduled so tight, the only option is to use your gym time to go to the supermarket. “Oh, wait, instead of standing in line at the supermarket, we can just snack on hummus and chips at the handy convenience store. We’ll have time for salad tomorrow”. This is your mission – CONVINENCE. Taking an hour to cook and prep veggies is NOT convenient. Sure, if you invested an hour at the grocery store you’d be set for the week, but please refer back to Step 1. You’d rather be doing awesome stuff than shopping for carrots.

Step 3 – Tomorrow, Tomorrow

Embrace Tomorrow. Tomorrow you’ll have time to run. Tomorrow you’ll have time for the supermarket. Tomorrow you’ll have time to cook. Tomorrow you’ll eat healthy. Really get into Tomorrow Mode. Today you can have Cheese Doodles because TOMORROW you’ll be good.

Now, if you successfully implement Steps 1 through 3 for about a week straight, you’ll be low on sleep, you’ll have none of that endorphin nonsense from exercise and you’ll be well on your way to running your immune system into the ground thereby catching a cold. Then it’s Golden Time! When you have a cold, ice cream for breakfast is totally appropriate! Now go out there, Folks and do your best to avoid exercise!!

And how are you spending your Ouchie Thursday? Me? In the fetal position, crying like a little girl of course. What? You don’t know what Ouchie Thursday is? Well, it’s the Thursday following a Wednesday when you apparently think it’s a good idea to do a 3 mile interval run, followed by kettlebells and ab work, topped off by a grueling hot yoga session. Thus, you are left with Ouchie Thursday.

I think I’ll recover with a nice 3 mile fun run.

AnchorDude: (finger to ear piece) Yes (offical NewsManNod) We’re just getting this in. There’s a developing tragedy underway in Long Island, New York. We’re going live to Senior Correspondent Smarty McSmartson. Smarty, I have a report of rogue ninja stealth Donut Holes terrorising a sleepy suburb. What’s the latest?

Smarty: That’s right, Bob. What you are about to see is graphic and shocking. Parents, you may want to shield the eyes of small children. At approximately 4:30 this afternoon, this young woman was attacked viciously and violently by a box of Entenmann’s Pop’ems. Miss, can you tell me what happened?

Fat Girl: Oh it was terrible. They came out of no where. Just all of a sudden there were there. Wheat-Free Week shouldn’t have ended this way. (Insert slow-mo image of Fat Girl collapsing into her La-Z-Boy, fanning herself)

Smarty: Authorities tell Awesome News Network that open boxes of Pop’ems have been sighting in isolated locations throughout the town. (Pan across the picturesque vistas of suburban Long Island).

Smarty: The Rich Chocolate Frosted Pop’em seems to target dieters and fitness enthusiasts with particular ferocity.

Fat Girl: (Desperately grabbing the mic) I could have handled just one. I could have fought it off, but there were too many, they just kept chanting: Eat me Eat me Eat me. (tragic sobs)

Smarty: (pan back to Smarty with obvious chocolate smears across his lips, glazed look in his eye). Citizens are cautioned to be on guard. Should you spot a Pop’em, do not approach. Go eat a carrot. (As the shot fades to black, Smarty is seen diving into a box of Pop’ems with both hands).

Thus ended Wheat Free Week.

I wasn’t going to write this post. Insert Fat Girl Rant

ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME? I gained 4 freaking pounds this week and you want me to admit that on a stupid blog on the stupid internet? Well, you might as well post pictures of my ass for all to see. Look, I fell down a flight of stairs and if that does not earn me some quailty time lying in bed with Hulu, then you need your head examined. AND if my ass hurting wasn’t enough of a cross to bear, my tummy hurts. It’s been hurting all week. And you know when you’re not feeling better, toast with butter and jelly is the only cure. Sue me if I ate four pieces of toast to day. You moron, MY BUTT HURTS.

Yeah, I gained 4lbs. I have been wimping out of work outs. I’ve been not eating well, certainly not tracking and my tummy hurts. And I’m frustrated. I’m so tired of gaining and losing the same 5 lbs. I’ve been stuck at this weight since March, and I’m so frustrated with it I don’t know what to do anymore. I was hopping this little challenge and twitter and the blog would make a difference, but apparently not. Or its too soon to tell.

The past week has been a bit odd. There’s the butt bruise issue cutting into running time. I’ve been having odd tummy troubles which hasn’t help and yeah, my crazy inner Fat Girl is thwarting me at every turn. This is not a post of resignation. I’m just plain frustrated.

Oh a lighter note… I joked on twitter that I was almost at 500 followers and VinnySlavin, JackSht, nomorebacon graciously instructed their followers to follow me and I’d eat 500 Fish Sticks. Boys, this one’s for you.

FatGirlsCanRun gets 500 followers. MMM Fish Sticks

So, my runs as of late have been sort of like “pleasure runs”. I’m out touring the neighbood, rocking out on my iPod and just generally enjoying myself. That’s awesome right? Except I’m forgetting that running is exercise and you’re supposed to be exerting yourself.

On my run yesterday, I noticed two things.

1. My butt bruise did not interfear with the mechanics of running, BUT it was painful, like a big hand of God pinching my bottom REALLY hard with each foot strike and THAT was distracting.
2. I was barely out of breath while running and was going way easy on myself.

My 3 mile loop runs have been stuck at between 40 and 43 minutes. I’ve been trying to figure out how to run faster, how to pick up your pace and work harder. When I make a conscious effort to do that, I don’t know what happens, but it doesn’t work. I feel like I can go faster for about as long as I can concentrate and then when another goofy thought pops into my head, all that effort stops.

I don’t think I figured it out, but for what ever reason, my body just moved faster today. I felt a physical change in my form. I felt myself being taller and longer, leaning into my runs ala ChiRunning. I felt my core engage and pull my legs up. How do I know my core was doing the heavy lifting? With about 3/4 mile to go, I felt my abs giving out. I wanted to hunch into myself and slouch. It was a bit of a struggle to keep that form up for the rest of the run.

I ran 2.82 miles (which is actually 3.1 but Nike+ is wacky like that) in 36:56 at a pace of 13’06″ per mile burning 401 calories. That’s what, like 5 minutes faster than my last 3 mile loop? AND I wasn’t exhausted or burnt out or out of gas or anything.

All has been quiet on the running front this week so far. I’ve been getting over some tummy issues. TMI break – FiberOne and flax seed maybe the best laxative on earth. Just sayin’. I’m back eating yogurt for breakfast which I love, topped with FiberOne, Chia seeds, and ground flax seed. I’ve been switching off between the chia seeds and the flax.

But that’s not really the reason I’m not running.

While getting ready for work on Monday, I had a classic slapstick outtake moment and wiped out on my basement stairs. I’m not injured but I am bruised.

I would like to thank all my Eastern European ancestors for the size and cushion of my butt that saved me for potentially devastating injury. I, of course, went to work right after getting off the floor, stood for 6 hours and then walked around Manhattan for hours. Maybe not smart but I know at least that the ouchie is only butt-deep and I’ll be fine.