Impossible is a typoRunning my pants off and loving myself along the way

FatGirl and FabGirl have tea before a night on the town.

FabGirl: So, we’re going out tonight, black jeans or a skirt and tights?

FatGril: No no, I’m staying in. I have a lot to do. {emergency cheesecake stands by}

FabGirl: Don’t be silly, of course we’re going out. It’s Valentine’s Day, we’re going to celebrate love… {wistful sighs and naughty eye sparkles}

FatGirl: No really. I have to update the virus protection on my computer and I have 134 videos in my Hulu queue, really I have too much to do {nervously eyes cheesecake, fingers twitch towards the fork}

FabGirl: We haven’t been out forever. Our friends miss us, and you never know, Dreamy McDreamy might just waltz into our lives tonight.

FatGirl: Yeah, whatever, that’s great but these pins will not just pin themselves on to Pintrest, you know. I’ve got stuff to do,  going out is too much work.

FabGirl: Stop being silly, we’re going to see our friends, have a fruity cocktail, dance a little…

FatGirl: DANCE?? DANCE?? You’re a freakin’ lunatic. Fat Girls don’t dance. Everyone will point and laugh. “Oh look at that fat girl. Get out of the way, she might squish you and can you believe she wore that? Fat AND trampy”. Look, I don’t want to have a boyfriend, I’m perfectly fine on my own. If I had a boyfriend, I’d have to lose like 50lbs before he’d love me anyway. He’d constantly be commenting on what I was eating when we went out to dinner and at some point, we’d have to NAKED together and who in their right freakin’ minds wants to be naked with me. No one wants to date a fat girl. Fat girls don’t date. When I lose the 50lbs then I’ll be happy and sexy and someone will want to date me. We’re just going to stay home and watch Once Upon a Time and it will be fine {forgets the fork, dives face first into the cheesecake}

To say that relationships have been an issue for me is kind of an understatement. I made some bad choices. No, that’s not really true. I made the only choice I could make at that exact point in my life with all the information that I had. I fell in love with a guy who, somewhere in him, was a nice person, but was wrapped up in his own pain that he couldn’t deal with his own emotions. No, that’s not really true either. I fell in love with the idea of the person I wanted him to be, thinking that I would then be the person I wanted to be.

And then that ended. Badly. And I gained 50lbs.

For a long time this is how I thought dating worked – be skinny, then you’ll be happy, then you’ll have a fun, sexy loving relationship.

But what if I could be happy RIGHT NOW. Right this second. Wouldn’t the result then be skinny and in love? I mean, after all who wants to be in love with a grumpy person who is also fat?

I had this revelation the other day. I keep throwing up reasons why I can’t date:

• I’m not at my goal weight.
• I don’t have the right clothes.
• I don’t have time.
• I just started a business, that’s more important right now.
• I really don’t feel great about how I look and don’t want to get naked with someone.

Then I was asked a very simple question: What are you concerns about being in a relationship? The answer is two fold. 1) Obviously I’m scared of getting hurt. 2) I’m scared that I could actually get exactly what I want and then I have to deal with that.

Whoa.

What if Mr. McDreamy were to enter my life today? What if I had to actually walk the talk and be a responsible adult and make room in my life for someone? What if there was another person on this earth who accepted me for what I was and what I wasn’t? What if there was someone who loved me for me? Crap. I’d then have to love me for me.

I started looking at the reality of my dating life. I get several offers a week from online dating sites from men who want to meet me. I don’t have a fake picture up there, and I think I actually have my true weight listed on one of them (none of that “I’m curvy” stuff). There are actually quite a few people taking the effort to email me with interest. And I’m shunning all that with a story about “I don’t have time” which is actually hiding “I feel fat” which is actually hiding “I don’t know that I can love myself enough”

Whoa.

And this all has comes about because that’s exactly what may be happening. A guy, we’ll call him The Frenchman, contacted me via a dating site. I made him jump through hoops to schedule a time for drinks. I was like a freakin’ Nay-saying Ninja throwing out all these impossible limitations. He deflected them all and made it work and we had a lovely night together. If I could create the perfect man for myself, the Frenchman comes pretty darn close. And it scares the pants off me.

I don’t know where this is going, but I’m ready to find out.

So I make the proclamation that I’m going to run every day in 2012.

And that’s an awesome idea, in theory, until New Year’s Day rolls around after a New Year’s Eve full of single malt whiskey and champagne.

I actually manage to get on running clothes and head out on the semi-rural streets near my friends house in Massachusetts. Yeah, that’s right, I’m bad. I run on New Year’s Day. Screw you hang over!

You pretty much know this isn’t going to be a happy story right?

You see that wee little hill in the distance?

Running is a metaphor for everything in my life, because, you know, I have to analyze and process everything. That’s how I roll. And this isn’t even a battle with the Crazy Fat Girl that lives in my head. I knew this run wouldn’t bust any Personal Records or anything but I didn’t actually expect to be crying and throwing up by the end of it. That wee little hill undid me. I’m pushing up the hill and struggling on this run like I haven’t struggled in a long time. I’m out of breath, I’m feeling the extra weight I’ve put on. I profoundly get connected all the things I didn’t succeed with in 2011 – Smoking, weight gain, eating McDonalds, relationships, finances, you know all that crap that you declare in the bravado of New Year’s day that you’re going to conquer and take on in those “Dear Diary” missives you pen to your self – “Ha HA! This year is going to be different and I freaking rock!”.

That’s what I did New Year’s Day 2011. And here I am one year later, fighting up this nothing little hill. The year’s worth of decisions I made under the guise of convenience close in on me as I hit that hill. Each foot fall sinks me further into all the bad and wrong things of 2011, it’s like running at the bottom of a ocean with a billion pounds of pressure of all my broken promises and lies to myself pushing down on me. 50 meters to the top of that little hill, I break stride and throw up when I realize I sold out on myself in 2011. Now, I didn’t exactly throw up because of this realization, it’s more like the whisky and dehydration finally decided to own the show, but hey, running is a metaphor for my life and it was just freaking perfect to be puking when I realize that if I was dating me, I’d break up with me because I can’t be trusted to follow through and fulfill upon my commitments. I sold out on myself and the promises I made. Jobs and making money, and my company and my projects and hell, stupid knitting projects came before my commitment to myself. I couldn’t find the time to run, or go to the gym or cook good food because I had to answer an email or return a phone call or damnit, I worked hard today so I deserve to kill zombies in a game for a bit.

So there I am, throwing up on the almost-top of this stupid hill realizing I didn’t do any of the things I wanted to in 2011. It then occurs to me that I now have a choice. I can choose to wallow in puke and woe-is-me, or I can literally purge all that out of my system. See that metaphor thingie there. I can choose to be my word and be my commitments. I can choose to have 2012 be exactly what I want. I can choose to walk the rest of the way up that hill, hit the reset button on my life, and I can make that choice at any moment. Commitment is nothing more than choosing what you’re committed to over and over and over.

And today I choose me

FatGirl Says: Oh Duane, you really get me. You really get my needs, my wants, that little thing that will just make my day better. You’re there for me when I have the sniffles. You make me feel pretty. You have chocolate for every holiday known under the sun and you have chocolate just “because”. And it’s like you’re there like 24/7, always open and available. Le sigh.

Chocolate Covered Almonds at DReade makes the world better

I have a secret love affair with Duane Reade Drug Stores. This affair started for two reasons. Years ago, Chase Bank put an ATM machine in every Duane Reade in the City. If you’re a Chase customer, that pretty much means there’s a fee-free ATM about every 50 feet or so, either in a Duane Reade or in a Chase Bank. One of my biggest pet peeves in life that you have to pay to have access to your hard-earned cash. When Duane Reade and Chase teamed up, that meant I was seeing red about my green with much less frequency.

A Chase ATM on every block

The second reason that I came to love Duane Reade is that I’m pathologically early for things. You see, I’ve spent far too much time in Japan and it has some lingering side effects like the inability to give an unambiguous no and being on time to the point of obsession and driving everyone in my life flippin’ nuts because I simple can’t be late so I’m always early. Since I don’t actually want to drive everyone in my life flippin’ nuts AND I’m pathologically early for things, I developed the coping mechanism of wandering Duane Reade endlessly. There are like 6 billion Duane Reades in NYC (OK, like 250+ stores but really, considering Manhattan is only 22.7 square miles, that’s like, oh help me out with the math here, 10 or so Duane Reades per square mile?), you can always find a Duane Reade to pop into to kill some time. I could hit a coffee shop to kill time, but then you’re sitting there staring at your coffee with nothing to do, so you need to go to Duane Reade anyway to get a Cosmo and take the Sex Quiz to bide the time. And we all know that there will be no popping into the Gap or some fancy pants boutique with my Crazy Inner FatGirl’s illogical fear of retail sales girls. It is impossible to think you’re too fat for hair gel. And besides, there’s ALWAYS something you need, Febreeze, tissues, chocolate, mascara, so while you’re trying not to drive people flippin’ nuts, get your errands done.

Never too fat for Hair Care Products

Duane Reade started a re-branding project in about 2005 or so, and it went way beyond developing a fancy new logo. They really began to shift what’s possible for a local drug store. When you think “drug store” you think, well, drugs. Yeah, you can get your drugs in the pharmacy and all the over-the-counter-make-me-feel-better-right-this-very-second stuff like Mucinex and Advil, as well as your hair care products, last minute cheesy gifts, a few cleaning supplies, all the little necessities and niceties of life. But Duane Reade really saw the opportunity to provide something more for their customers and the communities they’re in. Duane Reade now offers flu shots, select locations have “Doctor on Premises” where you can get immediate and affordable health care for minor complaints like colds and boo-boos with no appointments – a huge service in an era where health care is pricey and frustrating and actually kind of hard to come by in NYC with hospitals closing. The pharmacy will text message you when your prescription is ready to be picked up and they even offer language assistance, so that you can really be taken care of. You may have never been sick in a place where you don’t speak the language, but let me tell you, there is nothing more stressful and terrifying than trying to buy medicine in a foreign language. You don’t know if this package is going to cure your hemorrhoids or remove unwanted hair.

Then there is the LOOK Boutique.

Looking good at LOOK Boutique at DReade

Imagine walking into your local drug store and being able to sample the newest OPI nail color, or THE anti-aging face cream wonder that all the magazines are featuring. The LOOK Boutique goes beyond your everyday CoverGirl cosmetics and introduces you to beauty lines that are 100% vegan and natural, and I can’t even begin to ooo and ahh enough about the different lines they carry. But they’ve taken that even further. Most LOOK Boutiques are staffed by people who actually know what they’re talking about and will help you find something new and fun to try. Then they took this to the next level when the 40 Wall store opened. Right in the drug store, you can get your hair blown out, your nails done, sample over 40 different perfumes and they have a virtual make-over kiosk. When you’ve worked all day and you have a big date, pop in, spruce up and not drop a load of cash. Freakin Brilliant.

But the thing I want to really talk about is food. Naturally.

Redefining fast food at Duane Reade

With this re-branding project, Duane Reade is altering the way you can shop for food and eat in NYC. If you don’t live in NYC, here’s a little known fact – supermarkets are few and far between. It is not possible to drive up to a mega supermarket, fill your cart with a months worth of food and head on home. Grocery stores in NYC are tiny, cramped and severely limited in the quality and quantity of goods they offer. There are entire neighborhoods that lack a grocery store of any sort. This means that you do a lot of your food shopping at the corner deli where quantity and quality is even more limited and you would cry over the prices, or you lug your groceries for miles on public transportation. Don’t even get me started on the lack of fruits and vegetables, organic food and basic healthy eating needs. Duane Reade already has a vast presence in NYC. They started bringing in quality pre-made food, like sandwiches and salads. Then they started to expand into basic grocery needs. This addition alone can literally alter the health and well-being of entire communities.

My business partner at Ginger Snap Works and I were invited to attend the opening of a new Duane Reade on Broadway and 52nd Street by Collective Bias, a social media and blogger engagement agency, who is working on some social media projects with Duane Reade.

Ginger Snap Works at Duane Reade

They kicked off the press event by donating $350,000 to Susan G. Komen. I was kind of hoping to see one of those giant checks like they give to lottery winners. I guess that’s a little tacky these days huh? And well, when you’re talking about over a quarter million dollars, no need to be obvious about it.

Duane Reade plays Santa for Susan G. Komen with $350,000 donation

And Antoine was there with his jet pack of coffee, so all around, it was an excellent morning.

Go Go Coffee Jet Pack

I could gush for a while about how pretty and spacious the store is, but I really want to talk about the food. The entire upstairs is food and there is a grocery section down stairs. And bestill my little FitGirl heart – there’s some good healthy stuff here. I mean, just check out the yogurt section.

A billion yogurts at Duane Reade

What drug store do you know that has a fresh produce section?

Fresh Produce at Duane Reade... next to light bulbs?

OK, the fresh produce is next to the light bulbs and dog food and that’s a bit freaky but I can work with it. And will you look at that, there’s fresh fruit within 5 steps of the entrance. Bananas, apples and oranges are actually the first product you encounter when you walk in the store.

Ninja Bananas prepare to attack at Duane Reade

Now hold on to your Points Tracker, because this is what is really amazing. At the B’Way store, yeah yeah, sure you can get cleaning supplies, magazines, cold medicine, and your usual drinks and snacks and treats. And OK, they upped the game with fresh food and bananas and even beer…

Beer in the drug store?

The whole first floor is a food market. And I’m not talking day old muffins and Cheetos.

A machine that dispenses slushy drinks;

On-Demand Brain Freeze

Self-serve Frozen Yogurt with toppings (peach is to die for!);

Self Serve Frozen Yogurt at Duane Reade

A sushi bar. Yes, a real live human being stands right there and makes sushi for you;

Sushi Fixins at the Sushi Bar

There’s a fridge case with about oh 8 dozen different kinds of salads and sandwiches;

Sammies, salads and quick healthy lunches

A fresh juice bar;

Fresh squeezed Juice at Duane Reade

Then you circle around and find gourmet breads and holy freaking cow Fat Witch Brownies next to a machine that dispenses a variety of coffees and…

Fat Girl and Fat Witch = Heaven

wait for it…

AN OATMEAL VENDING MACHINE.

A machine that gives you oatmeal. Holy cow Duane Reade!

Yes, that’s right, you put a cup under the spout and press a button and out comes oatmeal. OK, fine, it’s instant oatmeal and I’m kind of an oatmeal snob but I had a cup. It was $1.99, a wee hint of sweetness, not mushy or soupy at all like instant oatmeal and way way less sweet, and to be honest, it’s better than Starbucks oatmeal.

I’m sure I’m missing a dozen things that are new and exciting in this store as I was a wee bit distracted by the food options. This ain’t a Fat Girl blog for no reason after all!. OH! And my inner Fit Girl will break a proverbial knee cap if I don’t plug the single best thing in Duane Reade…

And FitGirl says: You’re out and about in the City, dashing to a yoga class or coming home after a run, you must re-fuel and get a healthy snack in you! Skip the candy aisle and those protein bars that have more sugar than soda, and pick up this DELICOUS “Delish Chick Pea Salad”. It’s about a half-cup portion and NOT dripping in oily dressing – The perfect protein pick-me-up!

Perfect Protein Pick-me-up

My two general complaints about Duane Reade –  I’ve never found the staff to be overly friendly. They’re helpful, no doubt,  if you ask for help. I had some interactions with a store manager once who simply kicked butt. He couldn’t solve my problem but was awesome anyway. It’s not like the staff is rude or aything and I get it blows working check out in retail sometimes, but the staff have never given me the warm fuzzies either. My second complaint is that Duane Reade can be pricy. Not over priced, but they are generally at the higher end of price point fluctuations. They do have really great sales tho if you keep your eye out on their bulletin and sign up for Flex Reward card. If you must have your favorite shampoo right this second and it’s not on sale that week, expect to pay in the higher price range for it.

I’ve been a customer and a fan of Duane Reade for years. As I’m growing and building this healthy life style for myself, it’s really phenomenal that a company and a brand I am already a fan of is growing in that same direction with me. I know that I can be on the go in the City and that Duane Reade makes it really easy for me to support the decisions that are important to me around my well being.

Please Note: After the tour I received a gift card as a thank you. I’m participating in this Duane Reade Campaign #DReade as a member of Collective Bias. #CBias. No other compensation was received. Views expressed are always 100% my own.

1001 Reasons not to run

And FatGirl says:

I have too much work to do. I can’t run.

I just ate lunch. I can’t run.

It’s cold out. I can’t run.

I can’t find my socks. I can’t run.

OMG! What are you nuts? Look at the weather! I SIMPLY WILL NOT RUN IN THAT!!

I’m sitting at my desk listing all the reasons I shouldn’t go for a run. The murky mess that is out side being hitting the top of the list. I have back to back conference calls and only 45 minutes in between. Surely, not enough time to run. My list got longer and longer and longer.

Then my Inner FitGirl started chiming in.

You work from home so that you can run.

It’s not going to rain so you can run.

It’s 50 degrees, not cold at all to run.

No one is going to notice if your socks don’t match on your run.

And I realized, FitGirl was right. I can run. And run I did. Through the fog and muck…

Apparently, I was unaware that people shop for gifts, like well in advanced of the holiday in question. Who knew!? I thought gifts could only be purchased a day or two before said holiday! I’ve gotten a bunch of pointed emails requesting ideas for holiday gifts. I thought I had better devote some time to thinking about this before those pointed emails become poison tipped.

Christmas morning in footie jammies

For 30 plus years, my mom has carried on the tradition that you must turn in your letter to Santa or risk “No gifts for you!” on Christmas morning. Yes, I get that I’m an adult, but we like to keep the woman happy. My sister and I have been known to get creative (mom would say “snarky”) with letters to Santa. One year, when I was job hunting, I crafted a letter as if it was a resume cover letter. We’ve sent them in secret code that she had to figure out. We’ve cut letters out of magazines and created ransom-note-styled letters and yes, we’ve done plain ole lists. Somehow a pony always gets on my sisters list and to this day, the pony is still on back order, or so Santa’s elves report. Since I’m all about the social media, I figured Santa can log on and read a blog post.

I love giving gifts, not crazy about receiving them. My Crazy Inner Fat Girls immediately goes to cup cake pans and Godiva Chocolate. Cooking gear is always safe. It’s not like you have try on a bunt pan in front of the giver like you would with a sweater or something. It sends my Inner FatGirl into panic attack mode just thinking about getting an article of clothing as a gift. You can’t win giving a fat girl clothes, it’s never a fairly tale “just right”. If its too small, you risk embarrassment at having to return the item. If its too large then your brain goes “OMG do you really think I’m THAT fat??” I always play it safe and ask for electronics, books and cooking gear. But this year, I’m in a quandary. In all honesty, I have all the cooking gear I need, and I’d only be looking at the frivilous things like a pig-in-a-blanket maker which would be awesome, don’t get me wrong, but not necessary.

I’ve got some things brewing, that I’m not ready to talk about on the blog yet, but to prep for that and to get into the spirit of what I want to create in my life, I’m going with an all fitness gear Santa List.

iPod Nano

I have a first generation iPod Nano and that sucker has served me well. I got my Nano for free when opening a bank account. It was the tool that got me off the couch and running way back when. But it is time to update it. The new 6th generation Nanos have Nike+ functionality built right in. They’re tiny and cute and clip on to what you’re wearing. Brilliant.

Polar Wear Link Heart Rate Monitor for Nike+

I have a Timex Heart Rate Monitor and it’s great and I love it but I feel like a spy going out for runs with my iPod strapped to one arm, BodyBugg on the other, my phone with RunKeeper going, my heart rate monitor and two watches (one for the BodyBugg, one for the heart rate monitor). So it would be nice to condense all the gear down.

Nike Gift Card for Sneakers

I’m not really brand loyal to Nike footware. But I am loyal to the Nike+ running system. I like tracking my runs and seeing my progress on Nike Running. With the new Nano, having the sensor in your shoe is not necessary but I’ve been wearing Nike for a while now, why change?

Workout Clothes

Yes yes, I know I JUST said, don’t by a fat girl clothes. But FIT GIRL needs some gear. Cold weather running pants and jackets. Maybe a weather/wind proof jacket. Yoga pants and tech fabric tops. And socks. Apparently I can never have enough socks.

Even the boats are festive

FitGirl: I think we should go for a run.

FatGirl: What? I just poured myself coffee. It’s all hot and delicious. I ani’t going nowhere.

FitGirl: You can make the coffee hot again. There’s a magical device called a Microwave.

FatGirl: Nope. Got too much work to do. There’s email to read. Facbook games to play.

FitGirl: Tough luck. We’re going now

FatGirl: Over my dead body.

FitGirl: That may very well be the case…

So I went for a run for the first time in, oh about 2 months. I’ve been sick and busy and have totally used that as an excuse to be lazy and eat ice cream. Yay, I’ve won the game of gaining 15lbs. Gold stars for me. I’m really ok with having put on some weight. Well, that’s not accurate. I’m a little angry, frustrated and embarrassed about it. But what I’m not doing is beating myself up over it. I’m not all woe is me how could this have happened. I have the weight gain because I took the action that lead to it. Pretty plain and simple. And I know what to do to take that weight off and get back to my commitment to being healthy and running and achieving a healthy weight.

So as the neighborhood decks its halls, I’m be hitting the pavement and celebrating the holidays with a new pair of sneakers.

FatGirl Rant:
You’ve got to be freakin kidding me! A half marathon?? What the hell did you register us for a half marathon for? Don’t you realize that’s 13 miles. Wait no, it is THIRTEEN POINT ONE MILES. Point ONE for god sakes. Do you know how much work will have to go into that. When the hell are we going to have time for that? Hm? Missy answer that. We have a long commute, a new job, this stupid class, we don’t have time for this nonsense. And I am so not waking up at the crack of dawn to go running or hit the gym. That’s stupid. THIRTEEN POINT ONE MILES. That is the most stupid thing I’ve ever heard.

Yup. Fat Girl is running a half marathon.

I am, apparently, a lunatic. Or that’s what my inner Fat Girl was trying to tell me as I was leaving the house shortly after 5am to run. ON A SUNDAY.

Sunday’s are meant for breakfast in bed, doing the crossword puzzle and staying in your jammies for as long as possible.

Unfortunately, I long ago lost the concept of what Sunday’s are supposed to be about. I’ve been working Sunday’s for a really long time. When you work weekends, you sort of lose how special weekends can be. For me, its just another work day with lots to get done.

Also, my mother, in her infinite wisdom declared that Sunday Mornings would he Weight Watcher days. So regardless of work, I’d be up at 7:30am to face the scale.

Today is the last Sunday I have to work. I’m rather not excited about that as I seemed to have filled the next six Sundays with other stuff, so I’ll have to wait till fall to experience that lounging about in your jammies kind of day.

I’m starting a new trend… drum roll… May I present… Running Jammies!!

Yeah, that’s right, I slept in my running gear last night. Capri yoga pants, red sports bra, pink short sleeve top but not my socks or shoes. Those were right next to my bed with my iPod. I figure at 5am if I don’t have to worry about finding my gear to put on… if I ALREADY have it on, that will shave a few minutes off my morning and help this 5am running thing work. So All hail Running Jammies!