Impossible is a typoRunning my pants off and loving myself along the way

You talkin' to me Watermelon?

I’m having some food issues. Yeah I know, this is a “Fat Girl” blog, so you’re expecting me to wax pathetic about how I just ate a box of donuts and now I’m all weepy about it. That’s not the kind of food issues I’m having. Well, not right now at least.

Go FatGirl Go

I have a lot going on in my life right now. I’m taking a class that requires a good deal of travel to NYC. I work. I run. I blog. I write. I blah blah blah. I’m in hustle phase right now and it’s super fantastic. But what I’m not doing is putting a priority on health and fitness. I’m not taking the time to plan food and cook so I end up trying to throw together a lunch at 7am with snacks  and odds and ends rescued from my freezer and oops I forgot I have class so that means pizza while running to catch a train. Or I simply don’t eat and try to go 12 hours on a single Lara Bar, counting on the nutrition in the milk in my 4th cup of coffee to get me through the day.

This way of being isn’t working. I get irritable. I spend far too much money on food I didn’t really want to eat in the first place and I’m not meeting my heath and fitness goals. And I physically feel like crap, which leads me to Problem #2

Problem #2

And yup, we’re talking about “Number Two”. And no, I’m not going TMI here. I’ve been having tummy troubles off and on for the past few months. I feel like my body has to work really hard to digest the food I eat. My tummy makes noise that are not hunger-related noises. I’m all bloated at times and well, poo is an issue, that’s all I’m saying. I was worried for a while that I’m developing food allergies. Yes, I’ll go get tested at some point. I even did a wheat-free-week to see if gluten was the issue. No dice.

What I’m feeling right now takes me back 10 years to when I decided to go vegetarian. I feel like my whole body has to work extra hard to digest animal protein. This is a problem for me. I’ve got it that to achieve weight loss, you need to up your amount of protein. The whole new Weight Watcher’s Points Plus program is structured around that. So I started eating eggs and meat for breakfast, chicken with my lunch and some other animal for dinner, sometimes tuna as a snack. Whoa, meat left and right! I’m eating my veggies too but maybe I need to take a break from the meat.

The Meow Detox

I’m house sitting this week because Charlie, pictured above, can’t be trusted to take his seizure medication on his own. I went food shopping for what feels like the first time in a very very long time. I got spinach and kale and almond milk and apples and pineapple and holy cow, a “personal” watermelon! Isn’t that melon like the cutest thing ever! I made a superfood smoothie with spinach, ginger, pineapple and apples! I dived into Foodily to find a breakfast quinoa recipe (super yums but I didn’t rinse the quinoa enough as its a touch bitter). So I’m going to spend a week eating green things and enjoying whole food and not being as crazy on the run as the past few weeks have been. And hopefully by the end of the week my tummy will settle down and Charlie and I will still be friends. Getting a cat to take a pill is slight more dangerous than taking a cupcake away from a crying fat girl. Just sayin’.

Holy cow! Jillian Michaels new book AND the new New Balance sneakers. Oh and popchips!

So Consumer Reports just released a new rating for diet systems giving Jenny Craig the top slot for most effective commercial diet program.

I’ve never done Jenny Craig or other packaged meal system programs. Not that I’m opposed to it but frankly pre packaged meals are not my style. I love to cook and I like to have a level of flexibility in my life.

Here’s a few things to note about the Consumer Reports study:

Consumer reports complied data given to the by the companies they evaluated and gathered from other resources. They did not conduct any research themselves.

The main study that they used to look at Jenny Craig, was funded by Jenny Craig and was at zero cost to the participants.

I worked with a girl who lost 80lbs on a pre packaged meal plan and she looks fantastic. And it really worked for her lifestyle. But my question is, what’s next for her? Is she going to continue to eat the food on the plan for the rest of her life? What tools did she learn for getting off the program? It worked for her lifestyle to LOSE the weight, what’s going to work for her lifestyle to stay slim and healthy?

And that’s what you really need to consider – what works for YOU. Look at who you are and how you live your life and make choices that fit that. If you hate broccoli, don’t do a diet that has you eating broccoli soup three times a week.

You know what, don’t do a diet at all. Make real changes to who you are around food and fitness and make that you’re way of life. Look, we all know that a supersized bag of chips is not a side dish right? Get in touch with your inner Fit Girl and let her make some of the decision. Diets work. But do you really want to diet forever?

Melanie, a Twitter friend, asked if I’d test out her eating plan which she’s dubbing “3-2-1” and write about it for her blog. Basically, it’s eating your biggest meal at breakfast, a carby lunch and a small dinner (or “tea” as she calls it being a charming Brit and all). I’m all for experimenting with different plans ways of being to find that right match for my life. And it sounds sensible right? Eating a big breakfast should keep you fueled throughout the day.

But you know the Crazy Fat Girl that lives in my head had something to say about it:

Whoa, whoa WHOA. Eating a big breakfast means I will have to GET.UP.EARLY. Don’t you realize that the only time I can enjoy Angry Birds is at like midnight? You want me to cut out my Angry Bird time so that you can make breakfast? Not doing it. Oh and did you see this point right here? Huh? No you didn’t did you? “Exercise before your main meals, and eat a main meal within an hour of the exercise session ending.” So not only do you want me up early enough to make you a tasty breakfast, you want me to run before I’ve had like coffee and checked email? What are you, insane? You don’t even have a plan or anything. I will not tolerate this fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants mentality. Do you even have stuff in the house for breakfast? Do you even know where your sneakers are? HMMMMM? No, see, this is why we are not a morning person. Just let me have my coffee and my Facebook.

So here I am writing a blog post instead of running, because Crazy Fat Girl won. But I have a plan to beat her, and that plan is to make a plan! Map out what I want to accomplish this week in fitness and actually go shopping for food instead of grabbing meals on the go. Ha HA! Now what do you have to say about that Fat Girl??????

I’m very much looking forward to chopping some bunny ears today. I don’t really like to get into the headspace of earning chocolate with exercise. But that lil bunny will taste more delicious coupled with tired muscles.

I remember the very first time I had a juice box. It’s one of those memories that I’m not even sure really happened, but the way it makes me feel matters more than the ‘truth’.

My family did a trip around the world when I was 3, maybe 4. My dad had a bunch of international assignments, so we all packed up and went. Being so young, I don’t remember tons of it save for very vivid snippets. I remember remember seeing the queen in London. I remember swimming in a pool in a rain storm in Puerto Rico. I remember bright dresses in Hawaii. I remember impossibly thick French toast in Hong Kong.

And I remember juice boxes from Hong kong. We would go to this park that had twisty corkscrew slides, candy colored and slick and shiny from countless butts sliding down them. My brother and I would race across the park, kicking up gravel (the park had gravel? That’s weird.) To get juices boxes from the juice box man. They were these little jewel boxes with fruit I didn’t recognize printed on the and then you know I didn’t read Chinese so I could only choose by the color of the box. I remember pinks and reds. It was such a novelty to pierce this little box with a pointy plastic straw and sip some strange concoction. I remember feeling wild and adventurous, like the first person in the entire world to ever drink from a box. I remember feeling very grown up when I didn’t need help punching thru the little foil disk with the straw. It wouldn’t be till years later that I could show off my mad juice box skills to my friends when juice boxes finally arrived in the states.

I love fishes cause they're more delicious!

Yeah, I know, I’m an 8-year old. I’m totally excited for my veggie burger for lunch because it’s on a sandwich thin shaped like a goldfish.

Gold Fish sandwich thins?? Are you kidding me? They are the most awesome supermarket discovery I’ve made in like months. AND only 3 Weight Watcher points!

They are even more delicious if you make them swim around and dance in between bites and please be sure to eat the smile last!

AnchorDude: (finger to ear piece) Yes (offical NewsManNod) We’re just getting this in. There’s a developing tragedy underway in Long Island, New York. We’re going live to Senior Correspondent Smarty McSmartson. Smarty, I have a report of rogue ninja stealth Donut Holes terrorising a sleepy suburb. What’s the latest?

Smarty: That’s right, Bob. What you are about to see is graphic and shocking. Parents, you may want to shield the eyes of small children. At approximately 4:30 this afternoon, this young woman was attacked viciously and violently by a box of Entenmann’s Pop’ems. Miss, can you tell me what happened?

Fat Girl: Oh it was terrible. They came out of no where. Just all of a sudden there were there. Wheat-Free Week shouldn’t have ended this way. (Insert slow-mo image of Fat Girl collapsing into her La-Z-Boy, fanning herself)

Smarty: Authorities tell Awesome News Network that open boxes of Pop’ems have been sighting in isolated locations throughout the town. (Pan across the picturesque vistas of suburban Long Island).

Smarty: The Rich Chocolate Frosted Pop’em seems to target dieters and fitness enthusiasts with particular ferocity.

Fat Girl: (Desperately grabbing the mic) I could have handled just one. I could have fought it off, but there were too many, they just kept chanting: Eat me Eat me Eat me. (tragic sobs)

Smarty: (pan back to Smarty with obvious chocolate smears across his lips, glazed look in his eye). Citizens are cautioned to be on guard. Should you spot a Pop’em, do not approach. Go eat a carrot. (As the shot fades to black, Smarty is seen diving into a box of Pop’ems with both hands).

Thus ended Wheat Free Week.

My parents are fantastic people. There are many things I’m grateful for about how I was raised and one of them is a love for food. Yeah, yeah, I know, that love of food accounts for the size of my ass, but that’s not thier fault. Some of my best memories are food related. Mom sending us to school with thermos full of milk dyed green for St. Patrick’s day. Dad going on a massive Quest(tm) for Exploding Noodles.

We do a lot of Food Adventures(tm). We’ll discover an ingredient, or a style of cooking or an international cuisine and explore it fully. I got my love of travel from my dad and that translates into a love of international food. I can hold my own in a “Strangest thing I ever ate” contest with just about anyone (Whole baby sparrows, deep fried, on a stick. Ha! Beat that!). International cuisine has some strage stuff.

We did Chinese food for Chinese New Year (Go Bunnies!) and I was surprised by the vastness of choices I had. This past week has been a bit of a struggle because I was thinking very small. I forget that there’s entire cultures that only do wheat because of western influence.  This particular resturant doesn’t do a lot of batter fired food, so as long as I stayed away from noodles, I’d be set. I had rice dumplings, sushi (don’t get me started about sushi served at a Chinese joint. That’s another blog post), stirfried veggies, grilled mushrooms, assorted meat dishes AND DESSERT.

I’m a big dessert fan. Hello? Have you seen the size of my bottom? I need a little sweet treat after dinner. Going wheat-free took away all my dessert options. No cake, no brownies, no cookies. Le sigh. I’ve been making due with hot chocolate. And that don’t cut it.  Imagine my absolute glee when I encountered my favoite all time Asian snack – Seseme Seed Rice Ball filled with red bean paste. Yeah, I know, you’re saying “ew” right? Oh ew is not the case at all!!!!!

Sesame Ball - A gluten free gift!

It’s made out of a special type of rice flour that is chewy and subtly sweet. Since it’s deep fried, the exterior is just slightly chrunchy and the sesame seeds are alive with flavor. So, your teeth crunch through this crispy outside and then hit this soft and warm and chewy inside and then you encounter the red bean paste.

Red Bean Paste, or Anko in Japanese is the only substance on this earth that could rival chocolate in it’s deliciousness. I’m sitting here stumped on a way to describe the taste and texture as we don’t really have anything like it in the West. As the name implies, the texture is a paste, that can either be smooth like silk or a wee bit gritty, like when you cream butter and sugar together for cookies, you can feel the grit of sugar on your tongue. It’s dense and sweet but not overly sweet, just perfectly sweet. And when you encounter it in a baked good, oh my it’s like angels singing.

I mean seriously, if you put Red Bean Paste and Milk Chocolate in a Caged Death Match, I don’t know who would win but the carnage would be delicious. I can eat the stuff straight up, on ice cream, in desserts but hands down my favorite incarnation is Sesame Balls.

“Are you INSANE!?” Fat Girl’s cry of horror reverberates off the walls. “What the hell are we supposed to eat then, huh? ‘Wheat-FREE’? What the hell is wrong with you?” Fit Girl and Fab Girl give each other knowing looks – Brace yourself for a two-year-old style tantrum when Fat Girl starts cussing.

“Look, it’s just for a week OK? Just a week.” placates Fit Girl, as she slides off her spin bike.

Fat Girl snaps her Lay-Z-Boy back to it full upright position. Kind of hard to wag your finger and recline at the same time. “Bread is a staple. Pasta is a staple. S-T-A-P-L-E. That means you’re supposed to eat it every day.” Counting off on her fingers, Fat Girl continues, “They eat pasta every day in Italy. They eat noodles every day in China.”

“Baguettes in Paris!” Fab Girl cheerfully chirps from her chaise.

“Why are you doing this to us!?” Fat Girl faux faints into the fully reclined position. Eyes like laser beams go right to Fit Girl’s core. “Torturer. Witch.”

“Oh, they have croissants in Paris too.” Fab Girl moans dreamily.

“I’m doing this for US OK?” Fit Girl brandishes her own exclamatory finger wag. “You’re fat. You’re not in Paris. And my tummy hurts!”

And with that, Fit Girl, Fat Girl, and Fab Girl all fart in unison to underscore the point in classic sitcom perfection. Cue laugh track.

“Mon dieu!” giggles Fab Girl.

Snapping open her Food Tracker to hide her embarrassment, Fit Girl scans her notes with air of coming doom. “Let’s see what did we eat today? Toast for breakfast. Sandwich for lunch. Pasta for dinner.”

Fat Girl adds “Cake for dessert.”

Fab Girl adds “Mini Bagel for a snack.”

“What!? That’s not on the tracker!” panic one-two-punching Fit Girl. Fat Girl and Fab Girl shrug in response.

“Well, That’s a lot of carbs to digest.” grumbles Fit Girl. “I’m not saying we’ll never have cake again, but this is about balance.” Waving the tracker as Exhibit A. “There’s nothing balanced about this.”

I’m almost done with my Wheat-Free Week. I can’t say that my feelings of health and well-being have skyrocketed as a result of not eating wheat for 6 days, but I have had far fewer tummy issues this week. Going Wheat-Free has brought back an awareness of what’s going in my mouth and that’s a trend that needs to continue. I don’t just pop things in my mouth anymore, I have to stop and think if it has wheat in it. At the salon, they were celebrating someone’s birthday with a glorious chocolate cake. I had a knife poised over it to cut a little sliver for myself when I remembered that cake has wheat in it. I had to stop and consider that food and make a choice about whether or not eating this bite of food was in my best interest. The answer was surprisingly no. Yay me.

This whole journey is about finding a balance in life. A balance in work, in food, it fitness. I don’t think I’m going to continue being wheat-free after this week, but rather make very calculated choices on where I want to indulge. Keeping pasta and more importantly, bread to the realm of “special occasion” food like bacon and fried food, could do me worlds of good. Well, that’s the theory anyway.