Posted by Amy | Posted in Mind Games, Uncategorized | Posted on 28-09-2012
Tags: Fat Girl, Fit Girl, FitBloggin, weight gain
Fitbloggin’12 was last weekend. There was great people, great sponsors, great food, but it was kind of a weird weekend for me.
I'm angry, who knew!
First of all, I was presenting on building your brand. So I was nervous, and feeling unprepared. I missed pretty much the first day because I was fretting over my presentation. When it was over – whew – I could relax and do the conference thing.
FitBloggin’ is amazing because of the people who attend. It’s kind of like summer camp with out S’mores. I feel like I didn’t meet as many people this year as I did last year. But that’s a different blog post.
So the presentation went well, I chatted, hugged, laughed… and then…
Then came Tara’s panel “When you have a lot to lose” and I kind of lost it a bit. See, here’s the truth – I’m 30lbs heavier than I was this time last year.
Crap.
What do you do as a fitness and weight loss blogger when you are getting fat again? I got all emotional and messy. It wasn’t until that panel and a conversation with PinkyPie (AKA Renee) that I realized I’m angry.
I’m angry at myself that I have to do this all over again.
I’m angry that I let the pounds creep back on.
I’m angry that my clothes don’t fit.
And god help me if one more person says to me “if you did it once, you can do it again”
And I feel like a failure.
And to top it all off, I just don’t wanna! I know how hard it was losing it all the first time and I just don’t want to put that kind of effort into weight loss again.
I’m perpetually stuck in Monday mode right now. “I’ll start Monday”. “One last doughnut and I’ll get back on track”. “Oh look dumplings”. FatGirl has won and successfully beat FitGirl back into the closet.
FitBloggin was a week ago. Have run this week? Nope. Have I eaten doughnuts? Yup.
I’m angry. I’m frustrated. And I really don’t know what to do. So that was my Fitbloggin, how was yours?
THANK YOU so much for saying this.
I’m back to 30 or 35# heavier than is good for me. And I KNOW how hard I had to work to lose it the last time.
I don’t want to go through that again. I’m not sure I have the mental fortitude to do it. And if, god forbid, I end up injured and putting the weight on AGAIN? I could not deal.
I’m strong and happy until I look into a mirror. My diet is clean and good. The only thing I can do to lose the weight seems to be to work out for 2 hours a day 5-6 days a week. With half of that as cardio. And I HATE cardio stuff.
I’m convinced there must be a secret somewhere else. But I’m not finding it.
And now I know I’m not alone.
Right there with ya, sister! I don’t even want to think about my eating this past week.
You don’t have to have it all figured out right now. This isn’t something you can change over night.
The ONLY thing you have to do is just a little better than you did yesterday. Do you usually have 2 donuts? Have maybe one and a half.
I think you’ve lost your trust in yourself (have you noticed that trust is a theme with me these days? sorry if I sound like a broken record … ). The only way I know to get it back is to earn it, bit by bit, bite by bite, step by step.
So maybe I won’t repeat the “If you’ve done it once” thing but I will say this: maybe stop focusing on the gain and why you’re not doing “xyz” and focus on the why you’re “stuck”.
Maybe you just need to give yourself permission to put that stuff on the back burner. Life can’t just be about what physically defines us but also what emotionally defines us.
Amy I loved meeting you last weekend. You inspire me to think about going forward with opportunities I’m too scared to take. You have a lot of wisdom that I’m hoping to stalk….errrr tap into very soon.
Maybe we can tap into each others strength to help lift up our “weaknesses”.
I so get how you’re feeling. This was my first FitBloggin but I too am heavier then last year and thoroughly annoyed with myself. I went to Tara’a session too and had so many emotions running through my head.
Dude. I have so been there. Many, many times. And it is so hard to admit it when it’s happening.
I’ll say this: the point at which I started talking about my anger, frustration, and pure exhaustion from the constant battle…that was meaningful. It meant I was ready to accept where I was. Like really accept it. And with that acceptance, I could let go of the constant feeling of failure all the time (and the subsequent feeling of trying to hide the failure all the time). And slowly but surely, when I admitted the struggle – that’s when I could start taking better care of myself. I cannot do that when I beat myself up – I only want to beat myself up more when I am failing.
So, I have no advice. Just wanted to let you know I understand the feeling.
I totally get ya. My advice is “Just hold on”, this is for life so it doesn’t mean you have to be ready now . My husband is a perfect example of how to maintain for a long time, he’s maintained one time for 16 months before pushing for the next 25, he’s dropped 130 lbs that way in the past 4+ yrs. I know for myself I’ve gained 10 and I’m just learning to be ok with that and when and IF I ever get ready to drop it I will, and then maybe I never will. I’m just learning to accept myself as I am today because really thats all we can do. I feel if we don’t get ok with ourselves we will just beat ourselves up another 10 or 20 or more.
Christine and Dawn are so right, and so were Tara and Renèe on Twitter. Express those feelings,feel them, shout them out….then don’t beat yourself up…this is a long life we have…there is time to feel, learn, live and then lose if that’s the right path for you…once you accept yourself.
Man, these blog posts following Fitbloggin are so raw and I’m proud of everyone sharing, reaching out and accepting each other…..and helping each other.
I’m right there with you- it’s such an easy cycle to get frustrated/mad with yourself, which generally leads to making more bad choices, and furthering the cycle. I had such a great time at Fitbloggin & was so inspired, but also incredibly jealous of all those who had the discipline to stick with it & really be attentive to their nutrition/meals. I don’t have any answers or real advice, other than just take it day by day and let’s focus on understanding why we’re making the choices/decisions that we are making.
you know, I’m glad I could be there when you figured out that you were angry, I just feel bad that I upset you before we left. I spent a long, long time being angry and even though I was told I was negative (and I cared at the time, which made me sad, frustrated AND angry) I’m glad I let myself be pissed off. The biggest thing is yeah, you did it before, you can do it again but WHAT A ROYAL PAIN IN THE ASS to have to do so. At the same time, do NOT take anymore shit from your inner FatGirl, she doesn’t have any place in your life anymore! Be angry at her, for showing up totally uninvited and start NOW- however you can (ie don’t eat another donut or go out for a walk/run or drink all your water today)- letting her know that she can f*ck right off, forever.
xxx Renée
I am REALLY late in commenting, but I wanted to say that I loved meeting you and am really glad you spoke up during Tara & Meegan’s session. It really is about understanding ourselves…continually striving to trust and accept ourselves right where we are.
“The best way to improve your situation is to accept it. Unconditionally. Warts and all. Rejecting failure is the reson that denial exists. If it’s unacceptable for you to be [fill in the blank], then the truth is sheer horror. Yet lots of people think this kind of self-loathing is ‘motivational’.” ~ Martha Beck
I hear you on that “if you did it once you can do it again” mess. Makes me want to scream!
I am right there with you, I am so angry and frustrated with myself as well. You are not alone, by any means.
your presentation was fantastic by the way.
I hear ya, sister!
I think what makes it difficult for me is knowing what to expect. When you go at it the first time, you put your all into it — and you remember every single hardship you had to overcome.
It shouldn’t take a Herculean effort this time around — I try to look for little adjustments that yield big changes, like not cleaning off my plate via food inhalation, skipping dressings, drinking more water throughout the day, sleeping in more, and going an extra ten or so minutes during my workout.
I didn’t get a chance to go to Flitbloggin but it seemed like it was full of great, motivational people like yourself!
-Amara
I think you’ve got some great advice & I’m another one that’s in a smilar situation. I think just acknowledging these emotions & working through head/heart issues is a great first step. I’m trying to find some extra grace 7 compassion for myself right now, trying to figure out why I keep making the same decisions that aren’t moving me towards the ME I want to be- what other gremlins are running around in my mind, how is my self-care routine lacking & not filling me with the right tools to behave the way I want to be. Hang in there- sink into your emotions, and keep going.
I’m the queen of yo-yoing, so I understand your frustration all too well. It really helps me to see someone brave enough to blog their emotions through the experience. I have lost and regained this 30lbs 4x now. Yes, 4 times! It’s a really hard thing for me to admit and think about. How could a person do this? I don’t know… Excuses and life’s stresses. College and grad school and a summer internship abroad in a land filled with nothing but fried rice and noodles. The only thing I can tell myself is that I’m human, but I’m not giving up. I may have made mistakes, but I’m not staying at this weight. It’s a journey, I suppose.
Just found your site and saw this post and all I have to say is THANK GOD I am not the only one!!! Oh my goodness, I thought I was losing my mind with the feelings of so not wanting to lose weight all over again, and being pissed off for having to do it again and really hating working out. I mean I HATE it. I can’t seem to get the rainbows and lollipops feelings from working out and running. And I hate that I can’t seem to get over myself and just do it. So thank you for keeping it real. I appreciate your honesty. Now to get motivated to do something about it, that is another ball of wax………….