Impossible is a typoRunning my pants off and loving myself along the way

FitGirl travels

FatGirl says: Ooo la la! How fancy! How chic! We’re off to San Francisco for business. I feel terribly important! OMG isn’t there a big chocolate factory there? Oh oh and Chinatown is supposed to have the best food ever! Three days of chocolate and dumping and no working out because obviously you can’t work out while on vacation. I wonder how much room there is in my suitcase for chocolate souvenirs???

Oh FatGirl, you’re going to be terribly disappointed.

I’ve gained weight. About 20lbs. I’m not happy about it but I can’t seem to shift my behaviors around eating and working out right now. FatGirl keeps raging in my head about “starting Monday” and “we don’t have time” and “finish just one more project” and “you worked hard today, just have a chocolate”. That’s totally not working for me. It’s not what I’m committed to and it’s not who I am.

While I was packing last night, I made the decision the I was not going to bring sneakers and work out gear. I didn’t think the west coast is ready for a fat girl running. After all, California is supposed to be full of beautiful people, and well, I feel fat and unattractive right now, no need to show THAT off in spandex running pants.

Then it occurred to me – this is the life I want to live. I want to be jetting off to different cities and making deals and being fabulous. Am I supposed to ditch healthy eating and a work out schedule just because a plane trip is involved? Then I looked at a map of where my hotel is and lo and behold, there’s a running trail right there that follows the coast line. How could I even think of missing the opportunity of running alone San Francisco Bay?

So I’m sitting in JFK, sneakers in my bag, sunglasses in my pocket, totally looking forward to jet lag that will have me up for a morning run. Now, THAT is how FITGirl does the west coast.

You should love your inner crazy Fat Girl, but when she stops you from living your life, time to take action! And once Fat Girl is out of you dating life, get INto an outfit that will sweep him off his feet AND revamp your dating profile!

Here’s a Valentine’s Offer that with have your love life hopping!

Ginger Snap Works rocks Valentine's Day

FatGirl and FabGirl have tea before a night on the town.

FabGirl: So, we’re going out tonight, black jeans or a skirt and tights?

FatGril: No no, I’m staying in. I have a lot to do. {emergency cheesecake stands by}

FabGirl: Don’t be silly, of course we’re going out. It’s Valentine’s Day, we’re going to celebrate love… {wistful sighs and naughty eye sparkles}

FatGirl: No really. I have to update the virus protection on my computer and I have 134 videos in my Hulu queue, really I have too much to do {nervously eyes cheesecake, fingers twitch towards the fork}

FabGirl: We haven’t been out forever. Our friends miss us, and you never know, Dreamy McDreamy might just waltz into our lives tonight.

FatGirl: Yeah, whatever, that’s great but these pins will not just pin themselves on to Pintrest, you know. I’ve got stuff to do,  going out is too much work.

FabGirl: Stop being silly, we’re going to see our friends, have a fruity cocktail, dance a little…

FatGirl: DANCE?? DANCE?? You’re a freakin’ lunatic. Fat Girls don’t dance. Everyone will point and laugh. “Oh look at that fat girl. Get out of the way, she might squish you and can you believe she wore that? Fat AND trampy”. Look, I don’t want to have a boyfriend, I’m perfectly fine on my own. If I had a boyfriend, I’d have to lose like 50lbs before he’d love me anyway. He’d constantly be commenting on what I was eating when we went out to dinner and at some point, we’d have to NAKED together and who in their right freakin’ minds wants to be naked with me. No one wants to date a fat girl. Fat girls don’t date. When I lose the 50lbs then I’ll be happy and sexy and someone will want to date me. We’re just going to stay home and watch Once Upon a Time and it will be fine {forgets the fork, dives face first into the cheesecake}

To say that relationships have been an issue for me is kind of an understatement. I made some bad choices. No, that’s not really true. I made the only choice I could make at that exact point in my life with all the information that I had. I fell in love with a guy who, somewhere in him, was a nice person, but was wrapped up in his own pain that he couldn’t deal with his own emotions. No, that’s not really true either. I fell in love with the idea of the person I wanted him to be, thinking that I would then be the person I wanted to be.

And then that ended. Badly. And I gained 50lbs.

For a long time this is how I thought dating worked – be skinny, then you’ll be happy, then you’ll have a fun, sexy loving relationship.

But what if I could be happy RIGHT NOW. Right this second. Wouldn’t the result then be skinny and in love? I mean, after all who wants to be in love with a grumpy person who is also fat?

I had this revelation the other day. I keep throwing up reasons why I can’t date:

• I’m not at my goal weight.
• I don’t have the right clothes.
• I don’t have time.
• I just started a business, that’s more important right now.
• I really don’t feel great about how I look and don’t want to get naked with someone.

Then I was asked a very simple question: What are you concerns about being in a relationship? The answer is two fold. 1) Obviously I’m scared of getting hurt. 2) I’m scared that I could actually get exactly what I want and then I have to deal with that.

Whoa.

What if Mr. McDreamy were to enter my life today? What if I had to actually walk the talk and be a responsible adult and make room in my life for someone? What if there was another person on this earth who accepted me for what I was and what I wasn’t? What if there was someone who loved me for me? Crap. I’d then have to love me for me.

I started looking at the reality of my dating life. I get several offers a week from online dating sites from men who want to meet me. I don’t have a fake picture up there, and I think I actually have my true weight listed on one of them (none of that “I’m curvy” stuff). There are actually quite a few people taking the effort to email me with interest. And I’m shunning all that with a story about “I don’t have time” which is actually hiding “I feel fat” which is actually hiding “I don’t know that I can love myself enough”

Whoa.

And this all has comes about because that’s exactly what may be happening. A guy, we’ll call him The Frenchman, contacted me via a dating site. I made him jump through hoops to schedule a time for drinks. I was like a freakin’ Nay-saying Ninja throwing out all these impossible limitations. He deflected them all and made it work and we had a lovely night together. If I could create the perfect man for myself, the Frenchman comes pretty darn close. And it scares the pants off me.

I don’t know where this is going, but I’m ready to find out.