Posted by Amy | Posted in Mind Games | Posted on 18-05-2011
I think I’m awesome and am on top of the world, and then I’m not for a day.
I track and count points for a few days, then I don’t for a week.
I write a flurry of blog posts, and then I don’t for 2 weeks.
I run like my pants are on fire, and then I don’t for a month.
I’m out every night with friends, and then I don’t for a few months.
I’m one foot-in-one foot-out of everything in my life. I’m in and engaged and then out and disengaged with my own life. Some of it has to do with that tricky made up stupid fear talking inner Fat Girl who just wants to sit on the couch and eat snacks.
There’s a lack of inspiration too. I’m tired of watching what I eat. I’m tried of not seeing progress. And if I asked myself honestly, I’m not seeing progress because I’m not doing what I know I need to do to see progress.
I’ve lost 80lbs and part of me feels like I deserve a break. I want to have my own Whine and Cheese party and just be all mopey that I still have 40lbs to lose. I want to be down on myself and not celebrate how far I’ve come, because that’s easier than ramping up to finish the job. I know how to be all negative and beat myself up. And I’m really good at it!
It’s easier and safer to play the in-and-out-game. It’s not hard to win after all. You just do half the job, get cranky about it, and BOOYA, you’ve won!
And there’s nothing wrong with feeling and acting this way. I could probably live the rest of my life quite happily, floating around the 190lbs mark, running 5Ks and being an on again off again blogger. That’s perfectly fine and dandy.
But that game isn’t big enough for who I am. I want more. And who I am is more than that.
This is a conversaiton I had with myself about a week ago. There’s nothing wrong with being self-pitying and mopey and fearful and hiding and whatever it is I’m being right now. But I’m ready to be done with that, sort of.
I’ve sat on this post for about a week. I gave myself a time limit to feeling this way. On publishing this post, I declare that I am done with that way of being and I’m ready to step into something new. And I have no idea what that will look like, and it’s going to be awesome.