In and Out
10
Posted by Amy | Posted in Mind Games | Posted on 18-05-2011
Tags: awesome, choice, Fab Girl, Fat Girl, Fit Girl, FitBloggin
I think I’m awesome and am on top of the world, and then I’m not for a day.
I track and count points for a few days, then I don’t for a week.
I write a flurry of blog posts, and then I don’t for 2 weeks.
I run like my pants are on fire, and then I don’t for a month.
I’m out every night with friends, and then I don’t for a few months.
I’m one foot-in-one foot-out of everything in my life. I’m in and engaged and then out and disengaged with my own life. Some of it has to do with that tricky made up stupid fear talking inner Fat Girl who just wants to sit on the couch and eat snacks.
There’s a lack of inspiration too. I’m tired of watching what I eat. I’m tried of not seeing progress. And if I asked myself honestly, I’m not seeing progress because I’m not doing what I know I need to do to see progress.
I’ve lost 80lbs and part of me feels like I deserve a break. I want to have my own Whine and Cheese party and just be all mopey that I still have 40lbs to lose. I want to be down on myself and not celebrate how far I’ve come, because that’s easier than ramping up to finish the job. I know how to be all negative and beat myself up. And I’m really good at it!
It’s easier and safer to play the in-and-out-game. It’s not hard to win after all. You just do half the job, get cranky about it, and BOOYA, you’ve won!
And there’s nothing wrong with feeling and acting this way. I could probably live the rest of my life quite happily, floating around the 190lbs mark, running 5Ks and being an on again off again blogger. That’s perfectly fine and dandy.
But that game isn’t big enough for who I am. I want more. And who I am is more than that.
This is a conversaiton I had with myself about a week ago. There’s nothing wrong with being self-pitying and mopey and fearful and hiding and whatever it is I’m being right now. But I’m ready to be done with that, sort of.
I’ve sat on this post for about a week. I gave myself a time limit to feeling this way. On publishing this post, I declare that I am done with that way of being and I’m ready to step into something new. And I have no idea what that will look like, and it’s going to be awesome.
Yep, perfect. as in, I-could-have-written-this-post perfect.
See you tomorrow!
I told you!!!! Perfect roomies!
Hey! Eyes on your own paper!
Just kidding…. you have described where I am perfectly. After a 60 pound loss, a year of running 5K’s and watching what I eat…I find myself, well, uninspired. (Even though I shelled out nearly $100 bucks to register for the RnR Half in Sav in Nov…) And the thought that I still want to lose 30 more pound is daunting these days. Good to know that I am not alone. And I too am ready to declare some awsomeness for myself!
Once again, dearie, this post is almost verbatim something I could have written.
I’m right there with you. Right there with you…
It’s tough once we’ve lost some weight and start to feel good about ourselves… It’s tough to keep up with the tracking, exercising… It’s tough to make it a focus, give up time and energy devoted to it…
It’s just tough.
And there’s this urge to not necessarily give up, but give in to the way of thinking. Perhaps not temporarily, but from time to time.
And when I have moments like the above (which happens alot) I think about this…
It’s not what I do SOME of the time, it’s what I do MOST of the time that defines me.
Same goes for weight loss. If I can justifiably say that I’m a runner, a healthy eater, a weight loss story. Then I’m successful and continue being successful.
Same for you.
We are not all or nothing. We don’t focus on the times we fall, we focus on the months and weeks we were successful.
It’s a long journey and it all began with day 1… keep living each day as though it’s day 1.
I love you.
<3
This is such a fab post. I’m right at the beginning of it all. Day 2 of my training was yesterday. You have just posted my future. I have around 120 to lose ad can see all the stop starts ahead of me (having put a whole bunch of them behind me too that didn’t involve running). It’s a scary road ahead but your blog in itself helps ease the fear. That is some awesomness. Thank you
I am totally right there with you. As far as sometimes feeling half in, half out… it happens… it’s normal… if it was supposed to be easy, none of us would have any weight to lose! Just keep doing what feels right for your body – you have done an awesome job and are SUCH an inspiration!!!
SO you’re hot then you’re cold?
You’re yes then you’re no?
You’re in then you’re out?
You’re up then you’re down?
You’re wrong when it’s right?
It’s black and it’s white?!?
Sorry couldn’t resist…
I really like this post and can totally relate to everything you said. I’m back and forth a lot and sometimes it helps just to know other people feel the same way so thank you for sharing