Impossible is a typoRunning my pants off and loving myself along the way

"Thinking of the immortal words of Socrates who said: I drank WHAT?"

FatGirl hustles about the tiny Queens NY kitchen, knocking cats out of the way. “Dear God, what is wrong with these people,” she mumbles through gritted teeth. Like a Narcotics Agent searching for illicit hideyholes that some wannabe gangsta carved into the kitchen cabinets, FatGirl creeks open the one cabinet that contains food for about the 40 billionth time. She’s already checked and rechecked and checked again the other cabinet with the pots and pans. And yes, Dear Readers, she even checked inside the pans. She’s thorough and skilled in finding sneaky places that people hide chocolate and snacks.

Throwing her arms up in disgust and frustration, FatGirl exclaims “16 boxes of pasta but not a single cracker or Hersey Kiss?? Do these people never eat? I’m dying of starvation!” FatGirl slumps in defeat, wedging herself in the tiny chair by the tiny window, slamming her head oh-so dramatically on the tiny kitchen table.

FitGirl puts a calming hand on FatGirls shoulder. “They went out of town. They probably didn’t want food to go bad while they were gone.” she soothes. Lip trembling, a tear edging her eye, FatGirl moans “But what about me?” Sniff. Sniff.

With superhero bravado, FitGirl jumps up and proclaims “I know! I’ll make your a smoothie!” FatGirl cracks one eye to give FitGirl a disbelieving one-eyed glare. FitGirl efficiently hustles about, clanking silverware and opening the fridge. FatGirl moans and whines and thrashes about playing the woe-is-me part to the hilt.

“It will be delicious!” FitGirl cheers. FatGirl is unmoved.

“It will be creamy!” FitGirl coaxes. FatGirl is interested.

“It will be sweet!” FitGirl cajoles! FatGirl is very intersted but faking disbelief.

In the sudden hush that follows the blender turning off, FitGirl triumphantly places a glass before FatGirl. “Ta DAAAAA!”

“WHAT THE HELL IS THAT! It’s GREEN!! Are you trying to poison me??” FatGirl recoils from the glass as if it was a snake.

“I know! Isn’t it pretty! Have a taste!” FitGirl edges the glass closer to FatGirl delighted by her prowess with the blender.

“BUT WHY IS IT GREEN?” FatGirl makes mocking gag noises.

“It has spinach in it! And ginger, and apples, and pineapple! It’s delicious!” FitGirl beams.

“For the love of KitKats! Smoothies don’t have spinach. They have ice cream, or fro-yo if you’re desperate, and bananas, and sometimes chocolate. Smoothies do not have vegetables!” fumes FatGirl.

“Oh stop being silly. Just try it. You might actually like it!” FitGirl quips over her shoulder as she ducks out of the kitchen and the brewing drama storm.

“Fine.” FatGirl takes a sip. “Stupid spinach, blech” and another sip. “MM” with the third sip. FatGirl looks at the glass. “This is actually kind of good” she says with a quick look around to make sure no one hears. FitGirl from just around the door frame, licks her fingertip and makes a tic mark in the air to indicate Battle Won for FitGirl.

The Spinach Smoothie

1 cup of spinach

1 small apple

1/2 cup of fresh pineapple

a few grates of fresh ginger

Some green tea to make it blend all smooth

a pinch of cinnamon

a pinch of black pepper.

Blend till smooth and enjoy!

You talkin' to me Watermelon?

I’m having some food issues. Yeah I know, this is a “Fat Girl” blog, so you’re expecting me to wax pathetic about how I just ate a box of donuts and now I’m all weepy about it. That’s not the kind of food issues I’m having. Well, not right now at least.

Go FatGirl Go

I have a lot going on in my life right now. I’m taking a class that requires a good deal of travel to NYC. I work. I run. I blog. I write. I blah blah blah. I’m in hustle phase right now and it’s super fantastic. But what I’m not doing is putting a priority on health and fitness. I’m not taking the time to plan food and cook so I end up trying to throw together a lunch at 7am with snacks  and odds and ends rescued from my freezer and oops I forgot I have class so that means pizza while running to catch a train. Or I simply don’t eat and try to go 12 hours on a single Lara Bar, counting on the nutrition in the milk in my 4th cup of coffee to get me through the day.

This way of being isn’t working. I get irritable. I spend far too much money on food I didn’t really want to eat in the first place and I’m not meeting my heath and fitness goals. And I physically feel like crap, which leads me to Problem #2

Problem #2

And yup, we’re talking about “Number Two”. And no, I’m not going TMI here. I’ve been having tummy troubles off and on for the past few months. I feel like my body has to work really hard to digest the food I eat. My tummy makes noise that are not hunger-related noises. I’m all bloated at times and well, poo is an issue, that’s all I’m saying. I was worried for a while that I’m developing food allergies. Yes, I’ll go get tested at some point. I even did a wheat-free-week to see if gluten was the issue. No dice.

What I’m feeling right now takes me back 10 years to when I decided to go vegetarian. I feel like my whole body has to work extra hard to digest animal protein. This is a problem for me. I’ve got it that to achieve weight loss, you need to up your amount of protein. The whole new Weight Watcher’s Points Plus program is structured around that. So I started eating eggs and meat for breakfast, chicken with my lunch and some other animal for dinner, sometimes tuna as a snack. Whoa, meat left and right! I’m eating my veggies too but maybe I need to take a break from the meat.

The Meow Detox

I’m house sitting this week because Charlie, pictured above, can’t be trusted to take his seizure medication on his own. I went food shopping for what feels like the first time in a very very long time. I got spinach and kale and almond milk and apples and pineapple and holy cow, a “personal” watermelon! Isn’t that melon like the cutest thing ever! I made a superfood smoothie with spinach, ginger, pineapple and apples! I dived into Foodily to find a breakfast quinoa recipe (super yums but I didn’t rinse the quinoa enough as its a touch bitter). So I’m going to spend a week eating green things and enjoying whole food and not being as crazy on the run as the past few weeks have been. And hopefully by the end of the week my tummy will settle down and Charlie and I will still be friends. Getting a cat to take a pill is slight more dangerous than taking a cupcake away from a crying fat girl. Just sayin’.

I wrote two different Fitbloggin recap posts. Everyone else was doing it so I figured I should too. I’m a joiner like that. Neither post really speaks to me about what Fitbloggin was and wasn’t. You want a nuts and bolts recap of what happened? Go here. Read away.

What Fitbloggin was in my eyes was the creation of a community.

FitBloggin was Tara, compelting a 5K and then walking The Mile with Jess, not because he needed, but because she wanted to be part of the journey.

FitBloggin was DubyaWife running a 5K and realizing she CAN.

FitBloggin was about realizing that YOU make a difference in the world and maybe THE difference.

FitBlogging was about putting names to faces and accepting yourself just as you are

FitBloggin was about learning that you, just as you are, are enough.

FitBloggin was about being accepted and loved where ever you are in your life for who you are and what you do.

Oh and yeah, FitBloggin was about tutus!

The secret to FitBlogging success was not the panels or the food or the sponsors, but the people and the experience of love and acceptance.

DubyaWife’s snarkyness caught my attention on Twitter. Then she had to go a throw her own little Whine and Cheese party about how she was NOT a runner, even tho she was training for a 5K. Once we got THAT nonsense resolved and she declared herself a RUNNER, THIS is what became possible.

OMG What am I doing by Dubya Wife

The EXACT moment DubyaWife turned IMpossible to I'Mpossible

I hardly slept the night before.  New town, new people, new bed.  This whole Fitbloggin thing was new to me, but I was excited.  I rustled in the bed switching from side to side, hoping not to wake up my roommate.

Get some sleep, DubyaWife, you’re gonna need it.

Finally after trying to think of happy things… rainbows… fairies… unicorns pooping cupcakes… my eyes shut and I was out.  What seemed a moment later, the alarm clock ran, and I jumped out of bed eager to get on my running clothes.  I’m not sure why I was so eager but the nervous anticipation had me racing around like a rabbit in heat.

See DubyaWife, you CAN run! FatGirl told you so!

I made my way downstairs, across the lobby where I began to hear the chitter chatter of peoples.

Oh my gosh, all these people are here.

The nervousness set in more.

More people to watch my struggle, more people to pass me by.  More people to watch me fail.

I’d always imagined my first 5K to be at home, locally.  Not in Baltimore.  Perhaps running with my sister or my brother, who kept pace with me and encouraged me on.  All the while I was knowing that family and friends waitied at the finish line, ready to hug me, to give me a high-five, to cry with me.

This would not happen.

I was a face among a crowd.  I was in a strange city with strange people.  Only very few of them knew my 9 month struggle.  Would they know what this was worth to me?  Would they keep pace with me?  Would they cheer for me?

We made our way down to the starting line.  Nerves set in as a jumped up and down in place.

I am so nervous.  Omg, What am I doing!? WHAT AM I DOING!?!

I had been training since September of 2009.  I’ve had a popped bursa sac in my right knee,  stress fractured in my left knee, and up until this point hadn’t run 3.1 miles at all.  I hadn’t actually ever done this.  I was petrified…. and yet, excited at the same time.

Off we go, down the harbors of Baltimore.  There were many turns and streets we had to navigate, but I had some friends who were right there with me.

“We’ll keep pace with you, go as fast or as slow as you need us to.”

Right.  Great.  Breathe.  Slow.

As I went I listened to their conversation as they effortlessly talked during their run.  Envious a bit, I pushed the thought out of my brain.  It’s not about being like them.  It’s about completing this race.  One 5K – jogging the whole way.

My feet pounded.  My arms swayed.  My breathing rhythmic.

I can’t do this.  Eventually I’ll start walking.  And then I’ll hate myself for it.  I may be running now, but it wont last… just like all the times before.

Get that thought out of my head.  Get it out right now.  Remember what your friends said.  Slow pace, focused breathing.  Checklist of your body.  If you’re not injured, about to throw up, or close to fainting, keep going.  Once foot in front of the other.  One stride at a time.

And so I kept going.  I kept running.  Across wooden docks with the salty, fishy sea air.  Across cobbled streets with Old American architecture-like houses.  A gray haze was over the sky that day, no sun, so that’s good.  Perfect weather.  Perhaps this is the ideal situation for my first 5K.

My heart is pounding… My lungs are having difficulty breathing in and out… And every time I cough it feels like my throat is on fire.  I can’t do this.  I’ll finish this portion and then walk.

One foot in front of the other, DubyaWife.  Focused.

We get to the half way point… or at least close to the halfway point.  I get excited to see that I’m halfway done.

I’m only halfway done!?!? Hell no, I’ll never make it through this.  I’ve gone only halfway and I feel like I’m dying.  My heart rate is through the roof.  Only halfway!!!

Keep going.  One stride and then the next.  Focused breathing.  Listen to your friends conversation.  It will distract you. They are here with you.  They are running with you.  Look at your friends as they give you high-fives for making it half way.  They support you.  They want you to succeed, and you do too.  You can do this.  Keep going.  I find my friend FatGirlsCanRun.  She says she wants to run part of the race with me.  I’m inspired.

And so I keep running, making our way back.  I can’t talk and jog at this point, it’s too difficult.  The crowd is more sparse now.  Only me and my two running friends.  But they’re here with me, they won’t leave me.  I run beside another friend who seems to be struggling.  We focus our breathing together.  It helps me, I hope it helps her too.

I stride.  I stride and I stride and I stride.  We’re getting close at this point.  I look up and see the hotel that is our starting point.  That’s gives me some hope.

Omg, it’s so far away.  I’ll never make it to that building.  It’s so very far away.

I keep going.  I feel like I may cough up my lungs.  Back through the same path, twists and turns, salty harbor air, with wet ground beneath as my feet labor with each step.

I feel heavy.  My legs are heavy.  I want to give up.

The hotel is getting closer.  I can see that I’m closer now.

I’m almost done now, I can just walk the rest of the way… I should just walk…

I want to run in!  I want to run in and know that I finished it the way I started.

You can’t do it.

Yes I can.  Yes I will.

A couple more steps.  A frog develops in my throat.  Tears fill up my yes.  I see the corner where we started, but no one’s there.

See, there’s no cheer.  Your family isn’t here.  No one’s there.

I turn the corner.  I stop.  I look up as my lungs finally start to breathe.

And I’m bombarded with cheers… with hugs… with high-fives… with pictures.  With smiles.  I sob (and almost hyperventilate) cause I’m so happy.

I look up at the sky….

You did it.  You did it.  Be proud.  You did it.

I smile from ear to ear as I grab my phone and call my husband.

Me: “Baby, I did it!  I ran a 5K!”
Dubya: “That’s great!”
Me: <sobbing> “I can’t believe I did it, I ran the whole thing!”
Dubya: “I’m so proud of you!”
Me: “Oh I wish you were here, everyone’s cheering.”
Dubya: “I wish I were there too.  I’m proud of you.  Congrats, baby!”

And so something I thought was impossible was possible. Through the power of positive thinking and a little help with my friends.  

Dubya: “Now get off the phone baby and breathe, you sound like you’re about to die. Ha!”

Special shout out to: @262milejourney @runningknitwit @shrinkinggretch who ran with me and of course @FatGirlsCanRun

An unexpected business call this morning derailed my morning run plans. My Crazy Inner Fat Girl didn’t mind at all as she got to sip a smoothing in her jammies and not get sweaty. And low a train delay is now derailing my afternoon meeting plans. AND I have to figure out how to get my 10000 steps in for the day without a run. So I’m figure why not walk the length of the train platform once or twice to get a couple of hundred steps in.

FatGirl chatting with Dr Fitness and the Fat Guy

Fat Girl: OMG I can believe we’re going on an internet radio show and we’re going to tell the WHOLE WORLD that we’re *whispers* F A T.

Fit Girl: I wonder if we should hydrate before the interview. I don’t think we’ll need to carbo load tho.

Fat Girl: Holy Handbags! What do we wear?? Will these yoga pants make my butt look big on radio? Does this mic make my voice sound fat?

There was a time in my life where I was doing a lot of television appearances, and I had a weekly radio show. I was living overseas, and as the token white chick in the government, they had me in front of the camera as much as possible. I remember coming home one day after being surprised by camera crews who wanted the local ex-pat opinion a boycott of French wines and good. I flipped on the TV and there I was. EEP! I dove for the remote. It’s amazing how fast a fat girl can move when properly motivated. The only problem – the interview was on the two other channels also. I promptly left the house for medicinal donuts and  sake.

At Fitblggin, I had the opportunity to be interview by Dr. Fitness and the Fat Guy for their radio show. It was a delightful experience and the guys are awesome. Their show is live every Thursday at 11:30am EST. Put in in your schedule and make it your medicinal donut for the week!

Holy cow! Jillian Michaels new book AND the new New Balance sneakers. Oh and popchips!

Day one of FitBloggin!

I had an hour to kill before my bus to Baltimore. perfect excuse to bookstore browse! I check my email and there is a Boarder’s coupon. I read the back cover of this book and get chills. It was the exact conversation I had had just a few days ago. My bus ride will be full of big ideas!

Fitbloggin is TODAY! I’m about to hop on a train to get to a bus to get to another bus to be at this fantastic conference. So I thought I’d throw up a little post about my Roomies!

Elisha Dew @elishadew. She blogs at My Thunder Thighs. “To inspire, to motivate, to encourage, and to accept. To persevere. To believe in each other and in ourselves. To trust in our bodies. To face our own realities and learn from them. To grow, and to improve. To love our bodies, our selves, and our lives.”

Gretchen @shrinkinggretch. She blogs at Honey I Shrunk Gretchen. “Hi! I’m Gretchen: 23, Whasian, and thoroughly obsessed my two mini schnauzers. Down 50 lbs (so far!) by embracing clean eating and freeing myself of a previously toxic relationship with food. Thanks for coming along for the ride!”

Julie. @wearingmascara. She blogs at Wearing Mascara “I started this blog in August 2008 because I’ve always secretly wanted to start a blog and I’m obsessed with everything technology related. At the beginning, this blog talked about random things connected to my day-to-day life. As this it has evolved and changed, so have I. My focus on life now is to be happy and healthy. In the past, I’ve struggled with body image issues, not exercising right, and emotional eating. It’s still a day to day process but I’m exactly where I need to be.”