Impossible is a typoRunning my pants off and loving myself along the way

My gym is offering this really interesting 12 week challenge called Finish Strong. It combines personal training, nutrition, small and group fitness classes. The gym has offered these types of training challenges before but what made me sign up is that the course is designed to teach you how to essentially be your own trainer. It’s supposed to teach you how to train in your target heart zones and whatnot.

So what have I learned in the first three days of the program? Fat Girl might run, but she sure is damn weak. My core strength sucks and I have the upper body strength of a small rodent. I got a long way to go. And that’s ok right as this is a journey I’m only half way through.

My heaviest was 274lbs back around 2000-ish. Fat Girl has obliated much evidence from that time but I did manage to find one photo where I was probably over 250.

Fat Girl in 2005-ish

This is me at my sister’s wedding last year, circa 220.

Fat Maid of Honor

Here’s the same dress minus 20lbs.

Dress Redo

And this the Before picture they took at the start of the Finish Strong program.

194 - 80lbs down.

The other cool thing about this program is that they do a whole work up on where you are right now. And I do love me some good stats and numbers to look at.

Weight: 194

Fat: 63.8lbs – 33.2%

Lean Body Mass: 128.2lbs – 66.8%

BMI: 28.35

Basal Metabolic Rage: 1746kCal

Daily Energy Expenditure 2793kCal

Chest: 41.5in

Waist: 40.25

Hips: 45

Thigh: 22

Bicep: 12.5

AND they do some physical fitness testing –

Plank on toes and elbows: 54 seconds

Push ups – 6

Sit and Reach: 19 inches

Balance on one foot: 2mins 45sec.

What does all this mean? Nothing really. It’s just numbers that don’t really tell me anything. It is a starting place, so I know where the finish line is.

I’ve been sick for the past week. One of those delightful head colds that become a lingering cough. It’s the kind of cold that has you just want to sleep for 20 hours a day. Only problem is – Cold Medicine Induced Insomnia. So I just lie there, being sick and miserable and never actually sleeping. And to make it all the more better, when I do sleep I have these weird crazy dreams featuring murderous trained attack penguins. I actually dreamt that Ben from Lost was naked and covered in baby oil trying to kill my lesbian neighbors. And no, I don’t have lesbian neighbors and lord only knows why you’d have to be naked and covered in baby oil to kill lesbians. I wasn’t even taking Nyquil at this point. sheesh.

And of course at the height of feeling yuckie, I had a family event to go to. My Uncle and Aunt’s 50th anniversary. At least I looked good regardless of how I felt.

All Dressed UP

I wasn’t going to write this post. Insert Fat Girl Rant

ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME? I gained 4 freaking pounds this week and you want me to admit that on a stupid blog on the stupid internet? Well, you might as well post pictures of my ass for all to see. Look, I fell down a flight of stairs and if that does not earn me some quailty time lying in bed with Hulu, then you need your head examined. AND if my ass hurting wasn’t enough of a cross to bear, my tummy hurts. It’s been hurting all week. And you know when you’re not feeling better, toast with butter and jelly is the only cure. Sue me if I ate four pieces of toast to day. You moron, MY BUTT HURTS.

Yeah, I gained 4lbs. I have been wimping out of work outs. I’ve been not eating well, certainly not tracking and my tummy hurts. And I’m frustrated. I’m so tired of gaining and losing the same 5 lbs. I’ve been stuck at this weight since March, and I’m so frustrated with it I don’t know what to do anymore. I was hopping this little challenge and twitter and the blog would make a difference, but apparently not. Or its too soon to tell.

The past week has been a bit odd. There’s the butt bruise issue cutting into running time. I’ve been having odd tummy troubles which hasn’t help and yeah, my crazy inner Fat Girl is thwarting me at every turn. This is not a post of resignation. I’m just plain frustrated.

Oh a lighter note… I joked on twitter that I was almost at 500 followers and VinnySlavin, JackSht, nomorebacon graciously instructed their followers to follow me and I’d eat 500 Fish Sticks. Boys, this one’s for you.

FatGirlsCanRun gets 500 followers. MMM Fish Sticks

My new found speed was not a fluke. I ran 2.81 miles in 35:18 at a pace of 12’34″ burning 400 calories. 40 seconds or so faster than yesterday.

I noticed something. At the start of my run, my body posture was on the stiff side. My core and upper body were holding really good posture however. Shoulders down and back, arms out a bit from the body, leaning forward into my run. My pace, which was on the fast side (well, faster than my normal la la la I’m running thru the grass oh look squirrel pace), felt very easy. I need to read ChiRunning again to get this straight, but the book talks about using your core to power your legs. Muscles are like rubber bands, when one set stretches, another set contracts, so to move your legs efficiently, you have to get your upper body and your arms going to push and pull your legs. I felt that my posture, while stiff, was really driving my legs today.

Until I started Mile 3.

At Mile 3 I felt my upper body start to get really tight and tired from this stiff posture. My legs felt great but my upper body was starting to ache, like when you white-knuckle your way thru something and your hands cramp up. I walked for about 50 paces, shaking out my body, cracking my neck. When I started running again, I made a deliberate and conscious effort to focus on relaxing my shoulders WHILE keeping that same posture. I felt great! Light on my feet, almost like my body couldn’t keep up with my legs.

BUT I could only keep that concentration for about a half block or so. I had to keep reminding myself and keep coming back to it. It was a struggle. This is exactly what frustrates me about meditation. When I’m made aware that I lack concentration, I get really crazed about it and that just drives more distraction. Oh hey look, shiny….

So, my runs as of late have been sort of like “pleasure runs”. I’m out touring the neighbood, rocking out on my iPod and just generally enjoying myself. That’s awesome right? Except I’m forgetting that running is exercise and you’re supposed to be exerting yourself.

On my run yesterday, I noticed two things.

1. My butt bruise did not interfear with the mechanics of running, BUT it was painful, like a big hand of God pinching my bottom REALLY hard with each foot strike and THAT was distracting.
2. I was barely out of breath while running and was going way easy on myself.

My 3 mile loop runs have been stuck at between 40 and 43 minutes. I’ve been trying to figure out how to run faster, how to pick up your pace and work harder. When I make a conscious effort to do that, I don’t know what happens, but it doesn’t work. I feel like I can go faster for about as long as I can concentrate and then when another goofy thought pops into my head, all that effort stops.

I don’t think I figured it out, but for what ever reason, my body just moved faster today. I felt a physical change in my form. I felt myself being taller and longer, leaning into my runs ala ChiRunning. I felt my core engage and pull my legs up. How do I know my core was doing the heavy lifting? With about 3/4 mile to go, I felt my abs giving out. I wanted to hunch into myself and slouch. It was a bit of a struggle to keep that form up for the rest of the run.

I ran 2.82 miles (which is actually 3.1 but Nike+ is wacky like that) in 36:56 at a pace of 13’06″ per mile burning 401 calories. That’s what, like 5 minutes faster than my last 3 mile loop? AND I wasn’t exhausted or burnt out or out of gas or anything.

All has been quiet on the running front this week so far. I’ve been getting over some tummy issues. TMI break – FiberOne and flax seed maybe the best laxative on earth. Just sayin’. I’m back eating yogurt for breakfast which I love, topped with FiberOne, Chia seeds, and ground flax seed. I’ve been switching off between the chia seeds and the flax.

But that’s not really the reason I’m not running.

While getting ready for work on Monday, I had a classic slapstick outtake moment and wiped out on my basement stairs. I’m not injured but I am bruised.

I would like to thank all my Eastern European ancestors for the size and cushion of my butt that saved me for potentially devastating injury. I, of course, went to work right after getting off the floor, stood for 6 hours and then walked around Manhattan for hours. Maybe not smart but I know at least that the ouchie is only butt-deep and I’ll be fine.

Starting Weight: 193 pounds

Current Weight: 191

I WILL LISTEN TO MY BODY

ONE brag for the week: I haven’t smoked in two weeks

ONE thing to improve upon for next week: LISTEN TO MY BODY!

You know, I’ve been doing this weight loss thing for a while and I still get sucked into certain ways of thinking. Just because some “diet guru” or some written diet plan says y0u should eat a particular way to lose gobs of weight, doesn’t mean A) it’s true and B) it’s a good method for ME.

I bought the Clean Eating Diet Book last week. I love the ideas behind clean eating which is basically don’t eat processed food. Simple right? In the book there is a “Cooler Plan” that is supposed to lead to tons of weight loss so, like a starry eyed newbie, I hopped on the bandwagon and followed the plan, which is essentially eat lots of protein. Animal protein. Basically chicken and green veggies at every meal. Pretty freaking simple.

Simple, yes, but I’m ignoring one important detail – my body doesn’t like processing large amounts of animal protein. What the heck was I thinking??

In my food adventures I’ve gone from Atkins to vegan and everything in between. When I was vegan, I KNEW that my body needed a certain level of protein that was really hard to get from plant sources. When I did Atkins, I KNEW my body sort of shut down and freaked out over processing so much meat.

I KNOW my body feels great having yogurt every day and keeping meat to one serving or less a day.

I KNOW this and yet I still let inner Fat Girl get wooed by the promise of fast and easy weight loss.

Oh yeah, and I forgot another IMPORTANT point – I don’t like chicken so why the heck am I eating chicken three times a day?

So I follow the plan for six days and then spend 2 days in agony as my body decides to flip out and I deal with cramping, the inability to poo and all sorts of other TMI issues. So lesson learned, yet again, the hard way – Listen to my body.

So my Nike+ has been going all sorts of funky. It is telling me my 3 mile run is closer to 4 miles for about a month now. I recalibrated and it got worse. So I decided to recalibrate at a mile distance rather than 400meters. I hope that helps. So yesterday I walked a mile, then ran a mile on the treadmill and that didn’t get logged as a run. This run is from a few days ago and is probably closer to 2.5 miles.  I ran 2.9 miles in 34 mins. I’m headed off to the gym now to work out because its too darn hot to run outside!!

I think I’m getting ruffled feathers and nervous giggles over the name “Fat Girls Can Run”.

That’s fine. Be ruffled and be nervous and be giggly. A marketing friend told me not to pick this name, that it would be bad business to label myself as fat. But here’s the thing, I don’t consider myself fat.

No wait, that’s not accurate. If you’re defining “fat” as having more body fat and carrying more body weight than some perceived norm, then yup, I’m fat.

However, that’s not what we make “fat” mean. Somewhere in our little brains “fat” gets perverted in to an unholy host of meanings.

Very often FAT =

= Worthless

= Lazy

= Bad

= Ugly

= Unlovable

I’m not any of those things. This morning I weighed 192lbs (Oh hello Hooter’s Wings! Thanks so much for sticking around!). I’d like to weigh between 150 and 165lbs.  Based on that, yup, I’m fat.

Fat Girls CAN Run was born out of this experience I had where where I realized in a powerful way that there was a voice in my head that tore me down and limited my experience of life because I was a bad, fundamentally flawed person BECAUSE I was fat.

It is THAT voice that tells you “no you can’t wear that dress because your arms are fat”. It’s that voice that tells you “You can’t go in the pool” or “you can’t go on the roller coaster” and “OMG you can’t date”. All because you are fat.

I made the profound choice to not let the word fat EVER hurt me or limit me again. And it is a choice.

For a long time I would sneak in exercise. I would run in the wee hours of the morning because less people would be out and about and less people would see me. AND these people probably have not had coffee yet anyway. You certainly cannot trust eye witness accounts of fat girls running from people who have not had coffee. Duh.

That voice in my head, all those terrible things we say to ourselves, told me that FAT GIRLS CAN’T RUN.

Here’s the thing, and I want you to listen very very closely now because this is THE thing that will change your life. Forget the Shake Weight. THIS IS IT.

The thing is, that voice? In your head? Telling you all this mean and evil stuff? Convincing you that you can’t do things? And that eating a second piece of cake in the toilet at work so no one sees you? Yeah, that voice….

It is completely fictional.

You make it all up!

I make up that voice in my head. It’s my head right? The thoughts rumbling around in there are mine right? I created them right? So therefor, it’s my voice and I control what it says. But doubt and fear creep in and vomits this goo of negativity to keep myself small and safe and afraid. Look, running is risky. I don’t know that I can succeed at it. It takes WORK and dedication and patience. Isn’t it easier just to tell yourself htat you can’t do it because you’re fat, rather than run the risk of failing?

If I don’t try, I will never fail.

So I created this whole website and blog to defy that voice in my head that sometimes whisper, sometimes screams -

Fat girls can’t run

Fat girls can’t wear dresses

Fat girls can’t be loved.

I’m proving one mile at a time that Fat Girls can indeed run.